Welcome to the team, a letter from Kieran to the tennis players

On 1/3/17, Kieran – wrote:

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OK, let’s get this year started right…

Two people on this email thread have failed to sign up (Gibson and Scott). Henceforth they shall be purchasers of all beer at first home match — which I just saw is posted for Jan. 21 — so I guess we went back to Saturday for home matches? OK – Unless I get dispensation from the bear in Gilbert (which is just as likely as getting a pot of gold from a leprechaun or an engraved invitation from the Almighty to the rapture) I’ll be available for only two matches (both on the road) this season. Glad I spent the $28 to join this piece of shit team.

But I don’t care about matches, the important thing is beer and wings – I mean practice. So let’s get the practice schedule right. A bunch of you lost your fucking minds over the holidays and started calling for practice matches at all times of day and random days of the week. That shit has got to stop in 2017 (you can bring it back next holiday season). I can’t even read the letters on my delete key anymore because of the toxic bodily fluids my middle finger exudes while removing all the tennis emails.

For 2017 (and unless changed by the captains) practice is Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I assume we took Julian off this thread for a reason, so don’t respond to requests to play from Julian. It’s like giving just one last hit to a crack whore… If we ignore him, maybe he will just show up when there’s a regularly scheduled practice without writing us every 15 minutes with some crazy status update. ( I personally think it’s the unexpected consequence of Facebook that these punks think this kind of douchebaggery status updates are OK.)

So if we can ever fix the Julian crack-whore issue, don’t send out messages on a Monday or Friday looking to play that evening. It dilutes the pool of players and we end up with 3 one night, 5 another, instead of getting 8-16 on the same Tuesday or Thursday night. It’s nothing personal, it’s just fucking math — statistics, or probability or some other class I failed at St. V high in the 1970’s. If we pick a few regular nights to play, more of us are likely to show up and actually drink beer and eat wings and veggies (I mean practice). If you want/need more beer (practice tennis), come on Wed. night and hit the men’s league. No need to fill our email boxes with your bullshit messages. If you have unnatural urges to play tennis on Monday or Friday, keep them to yourself in the place you hide all of your other shameful habits.

OK – now that we are all going to agree to limit beer and wings to a couple nights a week, next step is to show up and play with your potential doubles partners. If you only show up for matches or a random half-ass sanctioned practice time, don’t bitch about getting paired with someone you don’t know or never played with before. Or that you get paired with someone who likes the same side of the court you do. Or that you are not getting paired with “your partner” (not that there’s anything wrong with that — we really don’t care who or what you partner with as long as it is a consenting adult).

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel a little better now. I typed all this because I don’t have a lawn to yell at kids to get off and to say – “see you at tennis tonight” and Thursday this week.

Kieran