A letter from Kieran to his fucked up tennis team

Watching you guys schedule a line up for a match is like watching 8 monkeys fucking a football.

I can only feel sorrow and sympathy for the poor soul trying to captain this “disaster. Sad!

This past week was the worst. Craig sends out a lineup nearly 24 hours before the match, and people flee the jurisdiction. I’m looking at you Gibson. Who the fuck goes to California in February? Trying to drum up landscaping business after the floods and landslides? Get your goddamn priorities straight. You are supposed to wait in Az on all match days and be on call. That’s how we have treated you for 5 years. This is no time to stop being our whipping boy.

Jeff W or whichever of the ton of Jeff’s who are on this team, you were sliding into near douchebaggery of a millennial dipshit with all the status updates. You’re obviously the toughest guy on the team, and we get the pain is hour to hour. Just say you are questionable and ask for a backup. If you are feeling good – you are in. Nice crushing of Paul, the backboard. The “oxy” is really working.

Mark, your excuse was so lame, I don’t even remember it. If you are going to bail on a match, come up with something memorable. If you can’t play on the team, at least make an effort at a joke. Even Jeff W had a line about “tap and go like a urinal” I didn’t understand it, but at least he made an effort. You lazy shit.

Speaking of lazy, pot smoking people from the northwest, what the fuck was up with the day late and a dollar short email, Eric? The match was Thursday and on Friday you send a message that you can’t be there and good luck? I know old retired people can lose track of time and never know what day it is, but jesus christ. You obviously used a computer to send the email – look at the fucking calendar before you hit send.

While I’m on the subject of people with time on their hands, where the fuck was Scott Stoddard? There’s an email thread that we need players, and linebacker says nothing. He shows up for practice full of beer drinking and biking stories and smacking little Lance Armstrong and then disappears when it counts.

Most of this whole damn team seems to disappear when it counts. They show up for practice and bail on matches. Afraid of the match and that you are going to lose? Don’t be. I’m 0-5, and look how fucking happy I sound.

That said, old man Whinery, Marc and Terry were the fucking heroes on Thursday. Whinery for showing up and beating the Weiner in public. And he did it without breaking any public indecency laws. Marc and Terry just showed up, and then won 10-8 in the 3rd-set tiebreak. That’s how it’s done Gibson, you California-tripping pansy.

We still have 3 or 4 matches left. When Craig puts out the next lineup, I’m bringing a football and my phone. I should get a lot of hits on YouTube when all you monkeys play “pile on the pigskin.”