Goddamnit churches annoy me. From their phallic steeples to their tax-free stained glass and gold fixtures, they just suck. I know most people don’t understand why I feel this way, so I’m going to “man splain” it in less than 700 words…

Any rational human who believes that evidence and proof lead to truth, has to be skeptical of the myths behind churches, synagogues, mosques, temples…

The wise are wary of lies from the ambitious in government, schools, and business.  They should apply that same wisdom to stay away from ministers and the other preachers who wear the religious robes. Preachers lie to children and old people for a living.

Any objective view of history, shows that religions are intertwined and mostly responsible for slavery, genocide, wars and the other man-made disasters (large and small). Christianity in particular has a lot to answer for — just in destroying and then holding back medicine for 1000’s of years which led to centuries of unnecessary suffering and devastation. They burned the books and medical tools because they thought man’s intervention was against their imaginary rules and that their secret protector would save them.

I know that some people need an emotional pillar to get them through the shit life throws at them. And some have just been raised with the assumption of religion and haven’t bothered to think their way out of a paper bag.

But keep the imaginary friends (jesus, muhommad, vishnu…) and their fantasy stories of immortality to yourself.

Hide your clergy and their container (churchs) where you keep your other purveyors of false promises. I’d much rather meet your whore or drug dealer than interact with your virgin/pedophile priest. Hookers and dope dealers make a much more honest living.

And by “meet your priest” I’m lumping in all strips of the arrogant assholes who claim they have a secret truth buried in ambiguous and vague language of a book. I’m also talking about their bullshit marketing crap like church signs, slogans and bumperstickers. An immortal, omnipotent, being really needs to get its message to me through a sticker (or a fucking abstract metal fish) on your piece of shit car?

Yep, religion has always had a problem with sex.

Sure the religious have a right to put the signs there… but they should feel ashamed for actually believing that shit. The only good thing about those stickers is they help me identify the idiots on the road.

OK for the few who have stayed with me so far… I’m going to deconstruct one church sign that got this rant started.

Almost every day, I pass a christian church and see this sign out front in red electric lights:

“God has a place for you and we can help you find it…”

• The first word can’t be stated as a fact — there is no evidence for a god – so that word should never start a declarative sentence. I’d get less pissed with a start like: “If there was such a thing as a god…”
• From what I remember it’s goddamn hard to get into heaven. So odds are in their own delusions, that “place” these pious piss ants are setting aside is literally Hell. Thanks for saving me a place so I can burn for eternity… Fuckers.
• And the “we can help you find it...” They left off “for a price.” Let’s face it, all their fucking marketing and that sign are there to appeal to you at your weakest moment, suck you in and get access to your wallet.

I’d bet the help you are going to get (which will probably only send you to Hell with me) costs at least 10 percent of your income — not to mention fucking up Sunday football.

I know most people ignore those signs, or read them thinking “how nice,” or think they are a positive message in a negative world. But most people are shitheads, and goddamnit that’s why church (and their fucking signs…) annoy the shit out of me.