Spatial Awareness

For two years I have carefully conducted my own survey of spatial awareness — I’m counting in my own head the number of times you dumb fuckers have gotten in my way.

Cutting me off in the grocery store, taking up space at the soda fountain when there are 5 people waiting or walking in front of me like I don’t even exist, gets you on the list. I’m not a “hugger” and I don’t want to touch anyone — and I especially hate making contact with strangers in a small space.

short shorts with chicken butt

I’m noting the demographics of these dumb fucks. High on the list – douchebag millennials. All looking at their little fuck phones. Walk any college campus and you see these fucking locusts in sunglasses and wool caps or those half-ass shorts with their little chicken butt cheeks hanging out. And they just don’t get out of the way.

It just makes me want to carry a small nerf bat and bob them all on the heads like the nursery-school-dumbshit-douchebags they are.

get off me

Next on the list — short people. I don’t know if they can’t crank their necks back or turn their stubby little bodies, but Goddamnit would you look behind you or to the side once in a while, you shitty little 5-foot-nothing mother fuckers keep elbowing me in the crotch.

But tops on the list… women. I hate to make up gender differences, but who can argue with my weak mental recollections reinforced by generations of gender stereotypes swirling around in my pre-alzheimer’s head.

I’ve made my list and I’m checking it twice. I’ve found out who is naughty and who is nice, and 90-percent of the time when some clueless idiot is cutting me off – it’s dressed as a female.

women walking in a line

The worst is when I’m bike riding on a path or a road with no car traffic. I used to ride in Sabino Canyon and the women would walk in a horizontal single file across the road in front of us. They would stretch from one end of the pavement to the next — all equal. No one in front, no one left behind.

Simultaneously they are carrying on 50 conversations across the row. No matter what I did to call out a warning: “on your left”, or riding up quietly on the edge to get by unnoticed – they are fucking shocked when I pass and they start screaming and jumping around.

Like fucking confused little bunny rabbits, they run right in my path.

It’s the same things walking through a crowd or standing at a cocktail reception. They back up or turn and run right into me. And after they bump into ME — THEY get pissed. I always end up saying: “excuse me.” (God damn midwest upbringing is gonna kill me). When I should say – “Look around dumb shit – can’t you see I’m standing right here.”

After two years of study, I’ve come to the only possible conclusion. There’s an unconscious people sensor located in the head of every penis. It’s gotta be true. Everyone with a penis knows when other people are around and can get out of the way.

If you were born a male and your penis people sensor isn’t working, check to make sure you are circumcised. There’s a high probability that little turtle-neck is blocking your reception.

If you don’t have a penis, or it’s not working right, use your fucking brain — scan your perimeter — and get the fuck out of My Way!