Never enough fucks

It drives me crazy when some shit head acts like they are shocked or offended when anyone says “fuck.” Who the fuck decided it was a dirty word?

When some little smartass kid throws out an “F-bomb”, we are all conditioned to feel that sense of anger and embarrassment that just makes us want to wash out that mouth and chastise the little bastard for using our adult words.

But we should fight that feeling and let the little fucker have some fun.

Not only is it fun to say, scream (or even whisper in someone’s ear), fuck is arguably the best word in the English language. It’s the only one I know that fits all 8 parts of speech.

It covers everything from your basic verbs and nouns: “Fuck that little fat fuck” to something as odd as a preposition or a conjunction. “Fuck if I know how, but fucking Lew opened another gun store.”

Try saying any of that shit with “intercourse.” I guarantee by the end of the first sentence, someone near you will want to punch you in the face.

Apparently fuck has not been around that long (maybe a couple hundred years). There’s a story going around that it was an acronym for a crime and people were arrested “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” (for fuck’s sake). But I think that story is bullshit.

For a long time, I thought it might be onomatopoeia. But after 20 years of trying to produce that sound, the wife and I only could only get an “uck, uck, uck.” Never an F. I don’t know if it would take a gallon of KY jelly to get an F sound, but I never found out.

We couldn’t keep up the “uck” for more than 3 repetitions, because that’s the sound of air leaking into the “pump” and that’s no fun for anyone. I gave up about a decade ago, and I try not to think about it anymore.

Of course I was in this 20-year quest alone. I couldn’t exactly tell her I’m trying to get a “Fuck” sound while we are in the middle of fucking. What am I going to do: “hey honey, lift your left leg just a little and I think we can get an soft F.” Never going to fucking happen. Or if it did, I would probably never get to fuck again. And I’m not that curious about onomatopoeia.

But who really gives a fuck where the word came from.

Let’s just treat it like a fucking Christmas miracle and be happy that such a useful, simple and perfectly clear word has appeared in the shit pile of a language we call English.

Let’s use it every fucking chance we get (without being annoying).

And let’s teach it to our kids early. Who wouldn’t love a preschool when they say: “Can I have some more fucking juice, please?” And everybody says: “Ahhh, what a cute little fucker you are.”

It would be fucking utopia. It makes me smile just to think about it. If you ask me, in this shitty world, there are never enough fucks to go around.