I have to replace the lying nazi bullshit diesel in 2018, and for the first time in my life, I’m acting like one of those asshole “undecided voters.”
I’ve seen the ads for the flying uber cars, and I had hopes I may not ever have to buy a car again. But this fucking commute from Phoenix to Tucson has already screwed that dream. So I have to buy at least one more car in my life. Shit.
If they weren’t a bunch of lying fat bastards, I’d think about buying another VW Golf. Other than being defrauded and left with a worthless pile of metal that pollutes the planet now with it’s dirty air and will fill the landfills with useless plastic next year — it’s really not a bad little car. It’s the right size, good gas mileage and the turbo is fun.
When I was young, I loved station wagons, mini-vans and giant-ass sedans. Literally, the ass on my first Buick century was like 10-feet long and filled an entire lane with a crappy chrome bumper. I’m the only guy I know who couldn’t wait to buy his first mini-van.
But now, I’ve hit the mid-life crisis and when others want fat Cadillacs, I want small and low. I don’t want to be just another one of those assholes in a purple truck with the balls hanging off the trailer hitch.
So, I’m looking, small, sporty, but practical, so it will fit my bike and not look like a fucking toaster (Scion). I never wash my cars, so I can’t bring myself to buy in the BMW/Mercedes class. It’s just going to look like shit most of the time anyway.
And I’m thinking moon-roof or convertible, so after those nights at the Third-world racquet club, I can drive the 1-mile home with a light head and the fresh desert air to push out the pitchers of “Dos Equis” breath.
But it’s gotta be a hard-top. Those cloth roofs suck.
I keep coming back to two types of cars: Mazda Miata and the small Subarus.
Yeah, you heard right. Maybe this is a much bigger mid-life crisis than I thought?
Hell, the guy who was the greatest athlete in the world when I was 14, is getting his balls cut off this year. If I get the Subaru will I be like Bruce/Kaitlin (or whatever the new name is)? Aside from the litany of other issues, I can’t even picture myself spending that kind of money on makeup…
Why do I hesitate to buy a Miata?
Last time the Bear and I went to Hawaii, we stayed in a gay friendly hotel on Waikiki Beach, and I had the time of my life. All the guys held the door for me. Everybody was super friendly and completely ignored her. For the first and only time of my life, I was the fucking belle of the ball.
Sure the gift shop was full of banana hammocks, but I never go into the fucking gift stores anyway. I wouldn’t have even noticed, if the Bear hadn’t dragged my ass off the comfortable couch and forced me to stand there as she held up one silly bright-colored thong after another to my crotch.
Her giggling can only be described as “disturbing.”
So if I get the Miata, will I have a whole new group of friends holding doors and smiling at me? Beats the shit out of how most people treat me now.
After typing all this shit out, maybe it’s not such a “crisis” after all…
PS — Watch Lewis Black read a version of this rant: