There are only two guys in the world I’m jealous of — both of them are geniuses. They don’t have to work — their wives make all da money.

As far as I know they sit around in their underwear day drinking tequila in fancy blue bottles.

I don’t see them anymore. I tell myself I just can’t afford to do what they want to do. But the real reason is I can’t stand to see the shit-eating grin under their bloodshot eyes and happy faces.

Both their wives work in healthcare.  The Bear picked teaching.

So like the rest of you shit heads, I have to put on pants and go to work. If she had been a surgeon, I’d be in my underwear and drunk on $100-a-shot whiskey right now.

A few nights ago, we were talking about finances. The Bear reminded me that since she “retired,” she is now making more money than I am. Of course this is a bullshit retirement. On paper, she retired after 30 years of teaching. But she went right back to the classroom — double dipping.

I was telling this story to my father, who’s 85 or 86.

“So now that you are older, you are mature enough to be OK with your wife making more money than you?” he asked.

What the Fuck? This is the man who lived with the woman who gave birth to me. My mother (the teamster) would never put up with that chimp thinking…

“OK with it?” I said. “I wish she would go get another goddamn job.”

For most of our marriage, the Bear made more than me. But I quit teaching and worked in the private sector. Less stress, less hours and a lot more money. I would have been a hell of a lot happier if she had continued to kick my ass in the wage game.

Fuck those people who say teachers have it easy or get a decent salary…

Stole the image from the failing New York Times.

I’ll never understand the pay gap. Don’t these dumb shits know that paying women less — means less for their own families?

Are there still enough men with “stay at home” wives that this makes some sort of sense… Of all the people I know, I only know one guy whose wife doesn’t really work… And she’s a classic “rich bitch,” who spends all her time planning parties and vacations.

So who is supporting this gender pay gap?

Are there a bunch of gay men setting the pay ranges for every job in the world? There are not enough gay men to exert that kind of control. It would have to be a bunch of secretly gay men married to their underpaid beards.

That fucking closet would have to be the size of Africa.

Is it the god damn illuminati, free masons and the holy spirit keeping half the world down?

Am I one of only 3 geniuses in the world who want their wives to make more money than I could ever spend?

Or is it that my mother was right all along — men really are this fucking stupid.