The Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel is really fucking picky about which diesel you put in it. I once stopped at a corner station in Tucson and 3 hours later the Lying Nazi came to a coughing halt.
The dealer said it had “dirty diesel” — like it’s fucking AC/DC (dirty diesel done dirt cheap). Apparently diesel can mold in the tank, and mold clogs the Lying Nazi’s turbo jets.
So I use the same 7-11 (or is it a Circle K — who the fuck knows) in Gilbert where all the landscapers fill their trucks. Me and my little girly VW in line with all the heavy trailers — just slightly emasculating.
That’s why I’m generally pissed off every time I go to the gas station. It just reminds me of how screwed I am with this bullshit diesel.
A few months ago, they closed the pumps. Fuck. I had to drive halfway down the 10 and fill up at one of the trucks stops in Eloy. I could feel my penis shrivel as I pulled my little VW between two tracker-trailers.
When the pumps re-opened, they had a new feature. In the middle of the fucking pump is a screen. Every time you turn the pump on, the fucking screen comes on with some bullshit TV.
It’s literally called “Gas Station TV” and they have little infomercials with a few quick hits of sports and news. God-damnit how do I get away from these fucking invasive ads.
I’m so sick of just seeing beer commercials and dick pills on the tennis channel. And if I watch CNN it’s just a litany of prescriptions and side-effects for shit they expect me to have –from diabetes to cancer.
For the first few weeks, I’m just fuming as I fill the tank and try to figure out how to get away from Gas Station TV. It’s like the fucking Mona Lisa — it’s little screen eyes following me around the car as I wash the dead bugs off the windshield. I swear it has a sensor and when I move further away it turns up the sound.
In the first month, I spent a few minutes looking for an off switch. But the second you turn on the pump, on comes Gas Station TV. You have no options.
I ignored it. But then a couple of times they played clips from the Dan Patrick Show and ESPN. OK, maybe Gas Station TV is not so bad.
3 weeks ago, Gas Station TV was out. Broken on all the pumps around me. For the first few seconds, I felt relief. But then I looked into the landscapers’ faces and saw their sideways looks at my muy pocito VW.
And I longed to be washed away in the wasteland of bad TV. I felt a foreign urge come up inside me.
Yes, I want my… I want my… I want my Gas Station TVeee. And I was pissed that I didn’t have it.
But all is well. They fixed the screen the following week, and now I’m back in in the comfort of being surrounded by dick-pill commercials and sarcastic sports highlights.