The founding fathers were a little fucked up — Updated

On this Fourth of July, it’s good to remember the “Founders.”  But if one more wanna be GOP “thinker” tells me he “believes in” the Constitution, I’m just going to take a shit on his shoe.

It’s not a fucking religious text that you “believe” reveals some deep and mysterious truth.

It’s a fucking legal framework designed to prevent some pompous (orange) prince from declaring a dictatorship.

People pledge to uphold the constitution and the rule of law. It’s our common rules for learning to live together in a peaceful political process.

This “original intent” argument is mostly bullshit too. The original intent of the constitution was to support slavery and keep women from voting. It’s designed to change over time and be “interpreted.”

You know fucking Donald J. Trump doesn’t give a shit about these ideas. He and Mitch McConnell are colluding to steal as many seats as possible to fill the all the federal courts with 50-year-old reactionaries to please a dwindling and dying minority of white christians who only want to hold on to a past that never really existed.

After the bullshit about “I believe”, usually the next sentence out of these shitheads is about how great the founding fathers “are”. They hardly ever use past tense. The founders died 200 years ago — dumbass.

founding fathers in bronze

They say it like they are talking about Jesus and Moses and George fucking Washington all rolled into one. And I’m pretty sure half of them couldn’t tell me the difference.

No doubt the political leaders who won a revolution over the most powerful country in the world did some impressive things. But they were just people.

Racist, sexist, narrow-minded, drunk people who mostly wanted to evade taxes and free load on the largess of the British Empire. When they couldn’t free load, they pitted the French against the British and hoped both of them would fight so long and hard they’d leave the nutjobs in the new world alone.

Once they won, the leaders feared two things: the people they were about to rule; and each other.

They crushed the Whiskey Rebellion and put down dissent at all costs. They restricted voting to men with land or other wealth and some states added religious tests.

They also set up a system of checks and balances to keep any one group from completely taking over. Hence the branches of government, restrictions on power and roles left to the states.

They knew the Greek and Roman experiments in republics ended in dictatorship. Most were convinced there would eventually be an American Caesar, who would lie, cheat, bribe and kill his way into totalitarian power.

They feared the military, the religious and the revolutionary zealots who might act like the French and start lopping off heads.

When the war was over, they didn’t hold massive military parades and build the biggest army in the world.  They had a party and sent everyone home. The last thing they wanted was a standing army. That’s why we don’t roll tanks down Pennsylvania Ave every year, Donnie — you stupid mother fucker.

The constitution is about paranoia and distrust more than it is about justice.  Don’t even say it had any notion of equality.  It was designed to favor the smaller states (senate/electoral college) and included the three-fifths compromise — that’s right some people were only 60 percent human as far as population count and not at all as far as legal rights.

The only smart thing they did was include an amendment process and made it vague enough for the Supreme Court to have legal review.

At least they were smart enough to know that some time in the future, people would be a lot smarter than a bunch of drunken slave owners in tights.

So whenever these shitheads cite the constitution like its the holy book of Ra, it just knots up my bowels into a crouched squat ready to fire.