Fucking Canadians

Trying something different — reading my own Bullshit.

Lewis Black and Kathleen Madigan wouldn’t read it out loud during their summer tour of Canada in 2017, so I had to read it myself.

Tried to be funny — came out a little frightening. My Canadian accent is “awesome” — I mean awful.

We are building the Goddamn wall on the wrong side.

You never see Mexicans with fake embarrassed faces saying “sorry” every 2-seconds as they cut in line at Starbucks. Every time I go to get coffee, these fucking Canadians are crawling all over the counter. “Excuse me, sorry, sorry. Just trying to get my cup. Sorry.” I can’t even begin to figure out how to spell it the way they pronounce it, “surrie,” or “suree” or some fucking thing.

Thank the nonexistent gawd I live in Arizona, where it gets so hot in May, these snowbirds fly back to their fucking frozen paradise.

But come Thanksgiving they return to lord it over us, with their healthcare, their politeness, their public transportation, and their normal politicians.

“You know we have a lot of guns in Canada, but we don’t shoot people.”

Why the fuck would you have a gun if you are not going to shoot anyone? Goddamn Canadian pussies.

And we need the wall to stop the drip, drip, drip of funny Canadians taking over our TV.

I’m looking at you Samantha Bee. You are stealing a great job from a fine American. And take that twit John Oliver, that fucking aussie Jim Jeffries, and Trevor (not an American) Noah with you.

Americans want to laugh at other Americans, not all these fucked up foreigners.

Don’t think I forgot about you Jason Jones, you hairy, little, fat fuck.

If North America was a classroom, Mexico and the US would have to beat the shit out of Canada. They are fucking up the curve. We’ll never pass this class with those polite little kiss asses sitting in the front row and smiling all the Goddamn time.

Mexicans love America. They come here to work their asses off. When it gets hot, they don’t fucking fly away. They keep crossing that desert, mowing our lawns and fixing our roofs. It could be a 125-degress and they are wearing jeans and long-sleeve shirts.

You ever meet a Canadian roofer? No you haven’t. Because they don’t fucking exist in America. They come down here to sell us used cars or life insurance — because they are “savers.”

Fuck you and your Goddamn personal savings accounts, Canada. Pay off your credit card with the other credit card like a real American.

And stop paying all those taxes. Just run up a massive federal debt and sell your bonds to the Chinese. That strategy is bound to work for at least another 5 years.

If fucking Donald J. Trump doesn’t scare you out of all this long-term planning, nothing will. Canada will be huddled in their fiscally responsible, healthy country, carefully planning out their long-term futures; while we party and piss away all of the planet’s resources.

But don’t give us that condescending sideways look down your nose, Canada. Because we are taking your cold empty shit of a country down with us.

We need that wall and we need it now, and Canada WILL pay for it.

Because when the shit hits the fan down here, they are going to need it to keep the flood of American illegals from coming north.

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