This post was originally written in 2017 — but it was resonating with me again this month.
During all the news coverage of the white nationalists shouting in Charlotte, I heard one really good idea. Yeah, surprise me too.
Of course it was coming out of a mother-fucking-mouth-breathing racist, so it’s taken me a couple of days to reconsider if I really agreed with him.
He was standing near a confederate statue and screaming: “This is my heritage. My family fought to save our farm.”
For a second, let’s assume that he has his history right. Maybe his family were actually white farmers in the south 155 years ago and fought for the confederacy (not fucking likely – but let’s pretend). Let’s pretend they were not the evil bastards who made themselves rich by owning other humans.
And.. let’s ignore the obvious reality — that this family were a bunch of treasonous fucktards who hate this country. After all, they rebelled against these United States and killed Americans by the hundreds of thousands. That’s “hate of country” by any definition.
Instead, let’s focus on what he is really saying. We should spend millions making monuments for all battles and wars that have been lost. Brilliant!
Fuck the winners, let’s celebrate losery.
When you look back, all Americans have at least one group of losers in our past. Most of us have losers in our family right now.
Ode to Cannibalism
Let’s start before Jamestown. There were at least 10 failed colonies in America. Let’s put up a statue to all of them. And why not a huge marker for the cannibalism that happened at Jamestown with a plaque that says: America – built on eating our own.
Then we can put up monuments to all the tribal leaders who fought to save themeselves from the invasive and destructive assholes who crossed the Atlantic. We can celebrate the Chocktaw and Cherokee in the south, the Apaches and Navajo in the west, and all the Plains tribes in the middle. Better yet, why don’t we skip the stupid ass statues and honor some of these folks by actually listening to their descendants.
Sure we can drop half our money in their casinos, but why don’t we try something a little less selfish than gambling away our social security check.
You know, not build a poisonous pipeline full of toxic sludge that will eventually pollute the Dakota’s drinking water. Or actually let the tribes build livable housing or water and sewage plants for themselves. That would be a good way to honor their heritage, huh.
Then, let’s put up some plaques to the French trappers we killed in the French and Indian War. Let’s raise the French battle flag over all our state capitals from Minnesota to Louisiana. That will make the little frogs feel at home.
We can celebrate every new French statue with a wine and cheese fest (smoking mandatory — especially for children).
Hey, the Loyalists lost the revolution, why don’t we put up some big fucking heavy marble statutes to the dudes who hung Nathan Hale. I’m sure some of their “family” would appreciate the reminder.
Something for Florida
Florida needs it’s statues for the Spanish. I’m sure there was a king or prince named Phillip or Ferdinand or Jose that should have a statue in Miami. (Maybe there’s one named Jesus and we can kill two birds with one statue.)
Let’s cover the South in statues of Nat Turner and every slave who ever revolted or escaped. Let’s make them twice as fucking tall and put them on both the east and west sides of every confederate statue. So “the boys in gray” are over shadowed by the survivors of slavery. That way the pigeons could perch up high and shit on the confederates all day long. Bird shit eventually turns gray doesn’t it?
Texas would love the momument to Santa Ana. They can put it right next to the Alamo and Mexican-Americans (who were here before Texans) could stand over it at night making tortillas by torch light. They could celebrate their 2nd-amendment rights by firing their AK 47’s in the air. It’s a little hard to time automatic gunfire to Mariachi music, but it could only be an improvement.
And in every state and county capitol from Texas to California north to Colorado and Wyoming, we can put statues of the Mexican generals who lost in the 1840’s. Every one of those states should be flying the Mexican flag right next to the stars and stripes. It’s our Heritage for fuck’s sake.
Maybe we can even come up with new designs to cover every kind of loser. I found this shit on the internet, and it kinda fits.
When we get done memorializing all this losery in marble, maybe we’ll remember conflict and hate is part of our past. But we don’t have to be trapped in “Heritage.”
We can put down all these bullshit burdens, and think about the few battles we have won:
- The ability to easily raise enough food for all Americans
- A bit of freedom for most people
- And the right to vote for our leaders (no matter how fucking stupid they may be).
That shit is part of our heritage too.