I got busted by the copyright police on fucking YouTube.
The Bear told my brother I was a “writer” for Lewis Black. Of course he didn’t believe her. I was a big fat liar when I was 10 (45 years ago). To this day, none of my family ever believes me.
“Writer” is a lie (of course) but Lewis did read my fan mail rants to a live audience… So she wanted to prove her point to my brother with video evidence.
The one with sex ed in Akron, Ohio was still there, but the 2 longs ones about the lying nazi bullshit diesel, GONE. (The original blogs are listed under “related posts” somewhere on this page…good luck finding it because Wix still sucks.)
My “little” brother gave me that “look” — a mix of disappointment and schadenfreude, which my family has perfected.
So I open fucking YouTube to figure out what happened. Of course, they changed the interface for no damn reason, and I can’t find shit.
Eventually, I stumble upon the error message — basically I’m a fucking criminal and I will be banned/prosecuted if I post another illegal video. I’m used to this kind of treatment at home, but on the internet? Seems harsh.
I see that “Stark Raving Black Productions” claimed the rights to the video. Of course they have the fucking rights.
I didn’t read that shit when I submitted my rant, but whenever I see “terms and conditions”, I assume I have no rights. I’ve submitted so many times, it won’t surprise me when some Lewis Black flunky shows up looking for one of my kidneys. (With a side of liver for Kathleen Madigan. She’s a drinker you know.)
YouTube has an appeal process, so I appealed. Nothing.
At the end, it shows an email address, so I sent a message saying I was sorry and asking if I could keep using these 3-minute clips on the Bullshit Blog.
My 12 readers are demanding video goddamnit.
A few days later Lola answers. That’s a hell of a fake fucking name for a jackbooted thug of a copyright storm trooper disguised as customer service from India.
Lola says YouTube sent them no appeal. But I should send the links and they will see what they can do. I sent the links. They can do — Nothing.
“We check YouTube for content all the time, there are many people putting up stuff they don’t own,” Lola may have written (I’m not looking up the email for the Bullshit Blog.) “So even if we OK this version, we will probably flag it again.”
Lola says I should put up the video under another name and mark it private.
But my fucking computer ran out of space and I moved all that shit. I’ll probably never find those videos. If I do, YouTube changed all the buttons and it will take me 10 minutes to figure out private. Fuck.
Lola sent me another email today saying they just got the counter claim. “It said we had to show the court documents that we were going to sue you. But we are not going to sue you.” Her email might have said something like that – again I’m not doing any research to make sure this Bullshit is accurate.
The video should be back up in 30 days or so.
I wrote back something like: . “Thanks, And thanks for not suing me.”
And Lola, the copyright storm trooper, wrote a very nice note — “we would never sue you.”
I was forced to tell someone at Stark Raving Black Productions that “I was kidding.” Apparently the sarcasm detection program there isn’t working.
But Lewis Black can rest easy, Lola and the Copyright Storm Troopers are not letting any of my bullshit go undetected.
Update – 9-26-2017:
Guess what, I won mother fuckers. Lewis Black, Lola and YouTube have set my videos free. Free at last fuckers, free at last.
The VW rant
The Miata rant