You are just a Fucking Pussy

The rules for what makes a man are changing, but that doesn’t give any of you license to become a complete pussy.

Follow the news or Twitter and you can easily see that men have been acting like dicks for a long time. And all men have learned that there are way more dicks out there than we could imagine.

Just keep your fucking hands, lips, and genitals to yourself, and don’t fucking say or do anything in front of a woman that you wouldn’t want the ugliest guy in the office doing with your wife/girlfriend. Not that fucking hard.

To be honest, I don’t have many dick friends. I know men who act like dicks, but we are not friends.

My bigger problem is men acting like pussies. I’m fucking surrounded by them. Sometimes, I’m one of them. But pussy behavior must be called out for all to see — and shame.

I know, I know “pussy” can be an offensive term that demeans women and furthers our culture of oppression for others and privilege for men, blah, blah, blah…

But I’m not fucking smart enough to think of a word that carries the same weight for this kind of shit — so pussy it is.

With no fucking apology to Jeff Foxworthy, let me run down my list of shit that instantly puts you on the pussy list: (does not apply to women or any genders that do not fully identify as male humans.)

  • If you get a rat-sized dog and name it Susan B. Anthony; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you are more than 50-years-old and worried about your hair getting thin and/or gray; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you order a pint of beer, and leave behind a half-full pint as you walk out the door; you are just a fucking pussy. (Joe)

  • If you are not a vegan or vegetarian, but go to a steakhouse and order a “salad” because you “feel like it”; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you complain that other players tried to hit you with a “tennis ball on purpose”; you are just a fucking pussy. It’s only a goddamn tennis ball– it’s full of air and is covered in soft felt for fuck’s sake.

  • If your social life is negatively impacted by a cat; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you are offended when someone says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you only date/marry weak or younger women because they won’t straighten out your bullshit; you are just a fucking pussy. Be a man and find a real partner. If you want a dependent, get a fucking dog (must be at least 20 pounds).

  • If you spend $3000 on a carbon fiber bike but never ride it; you are just a fucking pussy (Julian).

  • If one of your nicknames from a group of adult men is “delicate flower”; you are just a fucking pussy. (Joe)

  • If you make a list of things that lead to you “might be a redneck” instead of you “are a racist”; you are just a fucking pussy (Jeff)

  • If you promise to show up for a tennis match or a bike ride, but you never show; you are just a fucking pussy. (Condo).

  • If you quit our fucked-up tennis team, and become a “Traitor McGee” to join a winning team; you are just a fucking pussy. (Kieran)

  • If you quit in the middle of a game because you are a little hot or annoyed or you have hit your 2-set limit; you are just a fucking pussy. (Joe and Julian)

  • If you are a white man, and believe that reverse racism has held you down; you are just a fucking pussy.

  • If you were offended by the behavior and actions of the orange Trump traitor, but voted for him anyway; you are just a fucking pussy. (Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, et al.)

And Finally:

  • If you pick up a full-grown cookie from the dessert tray and only eat one small piece; you are just a quarter-cookie-eating fucking pussy. (Joe). Applies to cake or any sweet dessert as well.

Feel free to add your own list of: “If you do XXXX, you are just a fucking pussy” on the Bullshit Blog Facebook page.

Or Tweet #YouAreJustaFuckingPussy