Fucking Fumbles

I can sort of get past the brain damage and grotesque injuries, but I can’t stand football replay.

Replays used to be incredible athletics making great plays. Now it’s down to 4 nerds arguing over what is a catch, what is a touchdown and what is a fucking fumble.

The networks have hired former officials with big, thick, black glasses to try and explain what happened. Half the time the nerds get it “wrong.” If your experts can’t explain what happened at a thousand-frames-per-second, your game sucks.

Why is it that the sport that attracts the dumbest athletes has the most complicated rules?

Did it “break the plane”, was his “butt cheek down first”, did he “survive the ground”?

You can tell the players and coaches are clueless. When the call is announced, they look like they are taking the first quiz of high school algebra.

Coach, we know replay is hard. But close your mouth, take your hands off your head and pretend you understand what just happened. You’re making millions of dollars a year to be a professional, fucking act like it.

Replay makes sense if it’s to reverse obviously bad calls. But if it takes a committee to see if the ball is “under control”, and they can’t agree… how the fuck are fans supposed to follow this shit.

Remember when you watched with your girlfriend? She used to ask you to explain the game. Now you are old enough to know she was just trying to build your confidence and make you feel smart for a second, right? Well, those fucking days are over.

First off, most females either know more about the game than you do (or they don’t give a shit about football), and, they are no longer interested in building your confidence.

On top of that “empowerment” crap, here comes “replay,” so you are guaranteed to be a dumbshit.

I was watching part of a game, and the Bear was in the room. She was not paying attention, mostly playing Candy Crush. There was a huge dog pile and tons of pushing and shoving after the whistle for no fucking reason. It went to replay — over and over again.

“Was that a fumble,”she innocently asked.

“Fuck if I know,” I said.

She just gave that sideways glance that says: “why do I ask you these questions, you are too stupid to answer.”

What am I supposed to say to that? “Honey, football is hard.” Instead, you just sit there quietly as what’s left of your self-esteem sinks into the chair.

It’s easier to understand the origin of black holes on the Science channel than who won the Steelers’ game on ESPN.

Most of this is probably a ploy to add timeouts and get more commercials in the game. Which just shows how boring the NFL has become — we only tune in to see if we can follow the fucking rules.

In the end, who gives a fuck whether one filthy rich owner’s team beats another billionaire’s team. But I want to understand what I’m watching. If I can’t make sense of the rules, I might as well watch Canadian Football or Cricket.

If the replay takes longer than 30 seconds, I’m tuning into Curling on NBC Sports. At least I can watch the “players” smoke as they send the rock down the sheet. And the announcers always explain all the rules and shots, very slowly.

So let’s fucking turn off the replay and go back to the game that any moron can understand. Then even I can return to being a football fan.