Papa's don't let your babies grow up to read Bullshit

I learned recently that several fathers have let their children read this Bullshit. I’m seriously thinking about calling Child Protective Services.


“Papa’s don’t let your babies grow up to read Bullshit.

Don’t let ’em hit the internet

and read all these fucks

Make ’em read sonnets

and philosophy and such”


It’s not all the “fucks” and variations on “shit”. It’s not just the nihilism, cynicism and hurtful assholery that could destroy a child’s mind. It’s the pointlessness, anti-intellectual and general Bullshit that is a waste of a child’s time.

I was talking to 3 old men last week in Gilbert and told them I was shocked that some of my Tucson friends “were offended” by this Bullshit.

“We are not surprised,” they said. “You do realize you include their names, right?”

Yeah… so fucking what. They should be able to tell it’s just bullshit. Ok, sometimes people tell me they have to read something 2 or 3 times to try and tell if I was kidding or not. (John). But those people don’t speak English, or didn’t read the tag line, or could be fucking stupid.

I thought people needed about 40 years on the planet to build a thick “don’t-give-a-fuck” skin to really enjoy this kind of trash.

I’ve called people quarter-cookie eating pussies, douchebag millennials, and California-tripping pansies. And those are my friends. The “insult” that was “over the top” — I said Traitor McGee had the outward personality of a “crustacean”.

I had no idea dudes would rather be called a pussy than a crab.

If grown-ass men go home crying to their mommies because the mean man who can type compared them to a small sea creature, what is that going to do to the psyche of a child?

It says right at the top of the blog: “not suitable for children, the sensitive, or people hoping to get into heaven.”

“Don’t worry,” one of the dad’s told me. “She’s an adult.”

I’m guessing the “adult” falls in the douchebag millennial generation. I can only hope they raised her “strong”. Most douchebags would go running for their safe spaces and stuffed animals if some old, fat man called them a pussy for not finishing a fucking cookie.

The other child reader was in high school. Holy shit that can’t be good for his GPA. His dad was the first endorser of this Bullshit. Sent a nice message telling people to read it. But with the first jesus joke, “dad” fell into the “sensitive category.” He stopped reading before he lost his faith and wondered the world a broken and hopeless figure in a big-ass orange jeep.

After he bailed, he told me his kid is a “regular”. That’s the first example I’ve heard of a millennial being tougher than a baby boomer.

No kid of mine will read his shit

I didn’t even want my own kid reading this Bullshit. He’s 200 pounds and closing in on 30 years old. But I know one day he’s gonna come home whining to his momma that I called him an urchin or something.

Come to think about it, I did call him a fucking pussy (he has a 3-pound dog named Susan B. Anthony, for fuck’s sake). And he just laughed about it.

Maybe he’s a little tougher than I thought… Now that’s 3 examples of “kids” being tougher than the generation ahead of them. Maybe I’ve got this shit backwards.

There’s an 8th grade mentality to all of these rants, and maybe I should be pushing them to 13-year-olds…

Fuck CPS, let me call Cartoon Network. That’s the only way I’ll find an audience with the “maturity” to understand this Bullshit.