Your Package Sucks

I can’t read shit without glasses, and for 3 years, I just carried a pair of readers.

Suddenly in the past few weeks, I keep losing my fucking glasses. Fortunately, a new pair is only a Walgreens away. For you douchebag millennials, in 30 years remember there’s a whole fucking “carousel-of-sadness” with readers of every kind in every CVS.

Don’t go to the fucking eye doctor. They will just charge you $100 for an exam to get the same pair of glasses you can pick out on your own for $20. Convenient, easy — until I get to the car.

glasses in plastic case

The little fucking ear piece is tied to a package with the smallest and strongest piece of plastic on earth.

I can’t wear them with the little pouch attached to the side like I’m on Her-Haw. I can feel the little “tie” that’s holding it on. But I can’t see where or how it is attached.

What kind of a sadistic som-a-bitch designed this fucking packaging. You don’t need to package these goddamn old man glasses in anything.

But no… you have to add a “classy” case for “free”. Nobody is going to use that case — it’s just ready-made garbage. Because that’s where this fucking “case” will immediately land when I can separate it from the one thing I need to do my job.

Your customers have opposable thumbs. But instead of good-sized handles they could wrap their thumbs around and pull, you have to attach this shit with a micro bead of unbreakable plastic that Hercules himself couldn’t separate by hand.

If I could see it, I might be able to find its weakness. But everybody who buys these glasses need them, because they can’t fucking see!

By some half-assed miracle, when I got home, I found my old pair of readers. Magically, I could see the little tie on the new pair and snip it.

Maybe that was their fucking plan all along. But two pairs to get one open.

Fuckers.

Worst package ever

These fucking reader glasses are not even the worst. “Packaging Engineers” (yes that’s an actual job title and career) have lost their fucking minds.

This little nerd programmer I used to work with, bought a couple of computer RAM chips. It was wrapped in 7 layers of plastic that would survive being run over by a tank.

Nerdy boy tried to open it with a hunting knife. You know the stereotype — programmers are not great athletes — it was based on him.

You guessed it. Knife missed the package and went deep into his thigh. He’s lucky he didn’t cut his own dick off.

He called in sick for a week. We were all fucking laughing our asses off, until we saw pictures of the wound. Looked like he had been bayoneted by the Huns at the “Battle of the RAM”.

Don’t cry. Nerdy boy was fine after a few days. But goddamnit there’s a few packing engineers I’d like to lock in a room with their fucked-up packages of frozen food and a hunting knife…

Starting with the people who packed my fucking readers… Let’s see how many of them can get out with their balls in tact.