All the Feelings of a Head of Lettuce

If you don’t want to eat meat or dairy or anything with eyes, just keep crunching your broccoli and shut your fucking mouth.

I’m happy for you, if you believe that it’s better for you and somehow you will outlive us all. I’m even OK if you say it’s better for the planet (yes, yes, we all agree you are a “vastly superior being” because you are looking out for all of human life).

For me, life with nothing but vegetables lands between the 4th and 5th circle of hell (just outside life without booze). What’s the point of saving a planet where the “best” dessert is a well-roasted Brussel sprout?

But if you want to live that way — good fucking luck.

I’m not buying the sales pitch on longer life. My 87-year-old dad is the youngest guy in his senior living complex. At breakfast time, nothing makes the 90-105-year-olds throw down their walkers and sprint to the buffet like a tray full of bacon.

That’s not science, but it’s good enough for this Bullshit blog.

Please, don’t tell me about the terror of slaughter houses and how meat is murder.

Go read about plants. They may not have central nervous systems, or brains we can identify, but they can sense their environment.

In the “Hidden Life of Trees” there’s some evidence that trees can taste, smell, feel and communicate. They can even identify their “children” and share nutrients with them.

They will even share with a tree that has been cut down to keep “stumpy” alive. (Not all trees, just the Democratic ones — the Republican and Libertarian trees tell “stumpy” to go fuck himself).

When an acacia tree is being eaten by a giraffe, it puts out toxins to make the giraffe go away and sends signals to other trees to do the same. How do humans “sense” when we are being eaten by a shark? We scream out in pain, that’s how. So the rest of us know to swim like hell.

Could you say the giraffe bite feels the same to a tree as a shark tearing through our limbs? Who knows? Fucking trees can’t talk.

But if nature had a better way to communicate “I’m being eaten” without excruciating pain messages, don’t you think the “painless” system would be part of the higher order animals?

Why would lower forms of life (fucking “low-life” plants) get to exist in a pain-free nirvana where life is all sunshine, flowers and song birds? Is that some kind of cosmic irony or a cruel god torturing the creatures with brains?

Plants get eaten alive, and we think their sensations must be like us reading a book — “ohh cheerio here’s an interesting sensation — apparently a giant creature is crewing on me. What say I release the poison…”

But when I’m sleeping and my calf cramps, my brain completely shuts off. I wake up screaming “mother fucker” at the top of my lungs and hopping around for 5 minutes. So which one is the “higher” life form?

If plants don’t fee pain, I say, “fuck you evolution”. You screwed me again (see Thoughts of the Pigment Impaired).

There’s more details on the research into “plant feelings” here:

http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170109-plants-can-see-hear-and-smell-and-respond

Like most research, there are no definite conclusions, and every paper ends with “more research must be done.” (nice annuity for you, Professor).

But the general message is plants are more aware of their surroundings than we thought.

tractor at harvest

So when you fucking vegans sit down to dinner, imagine the scene in the lettuce field. The tractor is coming toward you — cutting off the heads of all your family and friends.

Everyone around you is sending out danger signals which you feel in every fiber of your being. Then it’s finally your turn. You can sense the blade slicing through your neck.

Your “stump” is left behind in a wasteland to beg for nutrients and energy and carbon dioxide that will never come. Because all your neighbors are dead.

So veggie eaters just shut the fuck up about how you are being “kind” because you don’t eat meat. Something’s gotta die for you to live. Just because you can’t hear it, doesn’t mean your lettuce didn’t scream.

PS: Thanks to Larry for the idea and the line about lettuce screaming, for fuck’s sake.