My Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel is going to Volkswagen hell — one part at a time.
The latest to do the dance of the damned was the front wiper on the passenger side.
Months ago, I finally got the goddamn crack in the windshield replaced — that was the one caused by the flying purple shoe that some dumb mother fucker tossed out the window on the freeway.
The safe lite, or safe shield, or safe shit company — you know the one that gives you a kickback for your windshield — fixed it.
But months later (when it finally rained) the wipers were all fucked up. The driver’s side didn’t come all the way to the left, and the passenger side didn’t go all the way to the middle.
It was fine. I just had to put my face to the right of the steering wheel and really close to the windshield — you know, so I could tell if I was about to run into a pole or a pickup truck.
Then it was time for the 100,000-mile tune up at the lying Nazi VW dealer.
“We can fix the driver’s side, but they over-tightened the passenger-side. To fix that blade, it will need a new motor,” the dealer said. “It will be about $600.” German engineering. Farfig-fucking-you.
“No, it won’t,” I said. “I’m turning this bullshit car in this fall. Just take the wiper off and leave it.”
When I picked the car up, the passenger wiper was sitting in the back like a little orphaned puppy at the pound.
It was still there when the first monsoon rain hit Tucson in July. Only one wiper blade cleared a nice path right in front of the steering wheel. I can’t really tell what’s over all the way to the right… But screw it, if I get hit from the right, it will be the passenger that gets killed — not me. (Wanna ride with me in the Nazi?)
Eventually, I cleaned out the back of the car including the broken blade and left that lost little puppy in the condo in Tucson.
The Bear came down a few weeks later and she cleaned out the condo. I had a little private ceremony as I sent the wiper on its way to it’s final resting place — the third circle of hell for Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesels.
I finished all the bullshit paperwork including notarized copies of my intent to give back the car, scanned copies of every legal document associated with this piece of shit and copies of my drivers’ license, registration and proof of insurance. (I’m not sure because of the anesthesia, but there may have been DNA, a blood sample, and a colonoscopy involved too. Fuckers).
I now have until Dec. 1 to turn it in. But the Bear wants it done this month… Guess who is gonna win that one?
Vegas odds say, I’ll be driving a new car by Labor Day.
I don’t know shit about parting out a car, but if anybody in Gilbert wants to take a radio, doors and other shit on my way to turn it in, I’ll split the proceeds with ya.
The car only has to be “drivable” when I turn it in, so come get what you want for the Lying Nazi while the getting is good.