Future Mascots

If you are going to have a team, it’s going to need a nickname, a mascot and some fucked up cheers.

That’s been the rule, since the Romans dressed up Gladiators from Gaul and Thrace (and other places) after they murdered, raped and pillaged their way through town.

“Sure, we killed your people and destroyed your culture: consolation prize — we will give you nicknames, mascots, and let you visit the pit of our great colosseum while we cheer your death.” (Sounded much better in Latin).

photo-criminal-painting
Yuma High Criminals Mascot

We have been repeating that bit of logic for thousands of years. That’s how we got the “Seminoles,” the “Pirates,” and the “Lancers.”  It’s why Yuma High in Arizona, picked “The Criminals” (not fucking kidding).

If you are not humiliating a former foe, you could always drop some acid and pick a plant for a mascot: Stanford has “The Tree” and Scottsdale Community College is “The Artichokes” (Go Chokes).

When  they run out of plants, the next community college is going to have to go to bacteria.

“Stand up and put your hands together for The Fighting E’coli!”

 Fits Yuma better than The Criminals — ain’t that right Romaine Lettuce Growers of America?

All this shit has always been confusing to me.  My high school nickname was “The Irish.” But the school was full of Italians, Poles, African-Americans and a bunch of Iranians (right after the fall of the Shah). Their parents would pack the stands.

We had waves of blue-eyed blondes, swarthy mediterraneans,  black folks, and newly imigrated muslims chanting: “We are the Irish, the mighty, mighty Irish…”

I guess that’s one way to throw off the stain of segregation and demonstrate that race is bullshit.

Only 75 years earlier, the “Irish” were seen as dirty, drunk, lazy, child molestors.  They were drawn as giant apes, described as stupid and superstititous, then threatened with deportation. To throw kids off that shit scent, they went for a “positive nickname”.

But we need a mascot… Let’s get the smallest kid in class, put a beard on him and make him dance like a Leprechaun.  You know, show off our “mystical nature” as drunken, semi-magical creatures who play tricks on people.

Only the best mascots are mini-sized greedy assholes (“Get your ‘ands off me pot ‘o gold”).

Mascots of the Future

I don’t see these patterns changing any time soon.  It’s been around longer than Jesus. So let’s fast forward 50-100 years when most of the 20th and early 21st century is forgotten.

Conquered people we may “celebrate” through high school nicknames:

  • “The Cartels” — the pudgy kid has to take off his shirt, cover his face in white powder and spray the crowd with an AK47 T-shirt gun.
  • “The Krauts”  — The short kid has to wear a Hitler mustache and a helmet while driving a mini tank on the field.
  • “The Fighting Al Qaeda”  — We get the tallest, least athletic kid in class, strap a fake beard to his face and make him dance while looking at a secret stash of porn.

Or we could go the “Irish” route and have disparaged nationalities be the new nickname:

  • “The Mexicans” — mascot is a chupacabra.
  • “The Colombians” — mascot is “El Chapo” (He’s Mexican — but that’s a better mascot name than Pablo Escobar).
  • “The Saudis” — the macot wears long flowing robes and carries a bone saw.

Ohh sure, all that shit looks stupid to us now.  But I guarantee some of the grandchildren of today’s Trump-inistas will be sitting on hard-ass bleachers at a soccer game and chanting: “We are the Mexicans, the mighty, mighty Mexicans…” while a chupacabra grabs the lightest cheerleader by the ass and tries to lift her (or him) over its fake horns.

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