Fucking 57-years-old and what do you get? Another participation trophy and deeper in debt.
Weeks before, I sent in all the rants in the categories for both Tales of Tucson, and Phoenix Fables. I carefully edited each post down to 300-500 words, labeled each rant with the date of the show and city. Lewis is 70-something, and he forgets to take his Prevagen, so I was making it as easy as possible.
The Bear said all my rants are too long.
226 words of comedic “gold”.
I’m here tonight and I’ll see you tomorrow in Phoenix too.
Do me a favor — save your best for Phoenix.
Yeah, yeah fuck you Tucson. I’ve got a good reason.
I’m here in the last row of the last section with 3 of my idiot friends.
Grif is a fucking super-hero. He’s an ardent Republican, but still thinks he will have a great time at your show — with this crowd. I tried to warn him, but he ignored me like Trump trying to read the Constitution.
Kangaroo-faced Gibson is a quiet Trumpinista — but he likes all angry insults aimed at anyone. He’s the only guy I know who thinks Full Metal Jacket is a comedy.
Scott looks like Uncle Fester cured his Low T problem by sucking a gallon of testosterone and steroids from the swollen balls of a raging bull.
These fools are going to like the show no matter what you do. John Bowman could just push the button on the bobblehead for an hour… and they would be happy.
But tomorrow… tomorrow… I’ll be down front (in the FUCKU section) with the wife. You better be fucking funny, or I won’t get laid.
We’ve been married 32 years so it’s a long time due.
Do whatever fucking drugs you gotta do.
My balls of blue are counting on you,
Yours in anticipation,
Phoenix was even shorter:
63 words with one joke:
Saw you from the last row of the balcony in Tucson last night.
Tonight I’m sitting in the front row (FUCKU seats) with the wife.
Does following you from town to town for 2 nights in a row make me a “Black-Head?”
If it does, maybe I’ll buy a bus and follow you and John to Florida.
From your biggest “Black-Head” (by weight),
Nope, no story at either event.
I did get a shout out at the Tucson show talking about just how much shit I’ve written in for 2 fucking years:
Here’s the illegal copy, Scott shot on his phone from the last row…
Here’s the illegal copy I screen shot from the Rant is Due page.
What did I learn:
My shit ain’t funny.
Like everything else in my life, I’ve made up for my lack of talent with volume:
- I can’t cook, but I eat fast food and other crap until I weigh an eighth of a ton.
- I have no special skills at work, so I just put in more hours than everyone else.
- And I covered Lewis Black in so much bullshit, he felt compelled to do a 1-minute shout-out complete with his own joke about Tucson.
“It looks like you got a participation trophy,” Scott said as he gave me a copy of the video.
Yeah, that’s true. When you have no talent, apparently the “participation video” is the best you can do.