Most cyclists are basic MAMIL’s (middle-aged men in lycra) — you know, harmless, masochistic skinny fucks who enjoy burning legs and oxygen deprivation.

But occasionally out of a pack of MAMIL’s, one douchebag will pop up like burnt toast.  There’s a few different types of douches, but the worst is the wheel-sucker.

Drafting is fun in the middle of the pack.  It’s fucking work in front.

Skinny fucks especially like drafting fat bikers going downhill.  We block all the wind and create a huge vacuum.

A 100-mile ride takes more than 4 hours (more than 6 for me).  You have plenty of time to find “friends” and take turns. But there’s always one asshole who won’t share.

The Worst

The worst fucking wheel sucker I ever saw was at the Tour de Tucson a few years ago.  Out of 10,000 people in the Old Pueblo covered in brightly-colored, tight clothes, I run into the one douchebag in a UCLA jersey.

Not the actual douchebag from El Tour. But you get the idea.

It’s November, the start of the college basketball season. Don’t you know we all hate you mother-fucking-spoiled-shits from LA?

You assholes gave the world Bill Walton (that giant asshole who won’t shut up about the Grateful Dead and “Pac-12 Conference of Champions.”)

The rest of us are still waiting for reparations.

Into this desert caldron rides this fucking Bruin,  pushing his way in between people who were already drafting.

He spent a good 10-minutes sitting behind my fat ass.  Worse he would weave and swerve to prevent people from getting past me.

I pulled over and slowed down trying to force him to pass.  He just waited for someone else to take the front.  Then he sprinted past me and pushed me out of the pack. I had to move right and put my hand on his shoulder to keep the two of us from crashing.

The new leaders soon got sick of his shit and slowed down to force him to the front.  He finally takes a turn.

Instead of keeping the pace, he stops pedaling — saving his own energy and not helping the rest of us.  That shit causes crashes.  There are no brake lights on bikes, and everyone is tailgating.  When a few tap the brakes, the ones behind skid and hit each other like bowling pins.

I finally got sick of his slow shit, and moved to the front to pull. But we were 60-miles in.  I was getting tired.

A fresher, faster pack zooms past.  UCLA pushes two of us out of his way and uses all the energy he saved sucking our wheels to catch onto the back of the fast pack.

Good riddance fucker.

I’d like to say karma caught up to UCLA and gave him a flat tire, or he was kicked out of the group and left to face the wind alone.  But I never saw him again, and I hope I never do.

You god damn, UCLA, douchebag, mother-fucking wheel sucker, I hope your bike gets stolen.