I only have one “sex” story that I used to share.
I was 16 years old and working at the ghetto grocery store. One winter night around 9 p.m. I was rounding up the last of the shopping carts in the parking lot.
This tiny little rusted out piece-of-shit sedan was a rockin’. No, no, I didn’t go a knockin’. But I walked up as close as a human being could get to the windows that were starting to steam and fog with the “heat.”
It might have been their breath; it might have been mine.
No matter which angle I took, all I could see: assess and elbows.
No faces, no naughty bits. Apparently I was staring in a trance for quite some time.
The store cop (a local Akron officer, we paid part-time to stroll the grounds, keep out the dangerous types and help catch the shop lifters) walked up behind me and grabbed my shoulders. Scared the shit out of me.
Just a window away
He looked down in the car. “Enjoy the show,” he said.
“I only saw assess and elbows,” I said.
“Well, you were just a window away from a Menage a Trois…” he said. It was almost wistful.
At the time I had no fucking idea what he was talking about. But he was a pretty cool cop. He just steered me away and left the couple alone in the parking lot.
Eventually, I fully appreciated his reference (and his deference to the call of nature for that couple — he could have been a real dick about both).
Over time, I repeated the story as my closest experience to Brett Kavanaugh’s “Devil’s Triangle…”
I take that back. We never did identify the genders of the people in the car, so I don’t know if it would have involved Satan or not. Maybe it would have been a Jesus or Joseph Smith triangle?
For all I know it could have been 2 dudes… Is that an Isosceles Triangle? He was greek right? I was never really that good at math.
Sharing with the Third World
I say I used to share this story in public. Most people get the joke and move on. Every once in a while, something sexual happens on TV or we hear somebody elses’ sordid story, and the Bear and I look at each other and say: “I was just a window away…” And we laugh and laugh at my failed “adventure”.
But a while ago, I shared the story at the Third World Racquet Club over several beers with about 5 old men at a table.
Fuck me… It turned into sex diary night. (You know how I feel about Old Man Sex).
These 60-year-old fuckers were talking about encounters at Grateful Dead concerts, or behind gas stations in highway rest stops and all kinds of shit I just did not want to picture.
The Third World is not the fucking place for your Penthouse Forums. I wouldn’t even want to see their hairy and pockmarked assess and elbows. Keep your pants on, and it’s long sleeves for the lot of you.
Then the 20-something waitress sat down and told us tales with her “boyfriend” (the first baby daddy — because you know there had to be a second baby daddy too…) and her female friend.
“The second time was kinda boring,” she said. “We just did the same things we did the first time.”
Yeah, yeah we skipped the details. I had to look this woman in the eye 2-3 nights a week… I don’t want those images randomly popping into my head. Did I mention she was about 6 months pregnant during the conversation. Yeah, yeah that shouldn’t make a difference, but it did.
This Catholic School PTSD sucks.
Now, I don’t have any “sex” stories I will share in public — window or no window. You fuckers are too freaky for me.