We were at a “Savage” wedding in New Mexico when it happened. I drank too much, and said something I thought was funny…
It was the rehearsal dinner. We filled up the one restaurant in Ruidoso. See if you can follow this family tree: the Bear’s cousin was step-grandma to the bride. She begged us to come and take some chairs for her side of the family.
Step-grandma had stepped in to raise two teenage girls when the parents drug addition or crimes (and eventual death) prevented them from participating (I’m not sure the real reason, people were just whispering about it like rehab was involved). The paternal grandparents (Italians in New York and New Jersey) had had enough.
So the girls moved out to New Mexico to be with grandpa and step-grandma. She did most of the raising.
Step-grandma wanted to make sure she had some moral support at the older girl’s wedding. She knew there would be a bunch of New Yorkers and Texans. She made the mistake of calling in the Savages and me to represent.
The bride was marrying some high school teacher/football coach from outside El Paso. The groom brought some caricature of a football coach/preacher to preside. He was a poor-man’s Joel Olsteen with a big neck and broad shoulders.
Satan is the MIKE
The rehearsal dinner was full of prayers and proselytizing along with a slew of football stories — the groom was a 2nd or 3rd generation coach. They talked about Jesus the way the clowns on the NFL halftime talk about how to pick up the blitz.
“You have got to protect your relationship with Jesus like it’s 3rd and 10 — and the devil is the MIKE.”
I was four drinks into the dinner. Members of the audience began to stand and give the betrothed some heart-felt advice. I figured the religious shit was over.
Up stood one of the New Yorkers. A little, old, Italian lady with a drink in one hand and a wagging finger in another.
“You will be fine as long as you keep The Lord in your marriage…”
There was a long pause. No one was sure if she was going to continue to speak.
I tried to whisper, but it came out of my somewhat drunken mouth as loud as an internet troll:
“WEIRDEST THREE-WAY EVER!”
Cousin Johnny giggled into his glass. The Bear hit me across the shoulder hoping I would stop. The rest of the room shuddered just a little bit, gave their disapproving looks and moved on.
The little old Italian lady looked over her shoulder, wagged her finger a little more and just kept talking about Jesus.
“Jesus” is Everywhere
Then the next 4 family members threw out more stories about their invisible friend and how it helped them stay married.
“Damn, there’s that Jesus guy again,” cousin Johnny kept saying. “He really gets around.”
“Might explain all the STD’s these people seem to have,” I said.
There was a lot more sushing and slapping from our wives. When the speeches were over, they hustled cousin Johnny and I out of the room.
I’m pretty sure they stayed behind to apologize. Yeah, and maybe it was rude of cousin Johnny and me to giggle at their beliefs.
But you gotta admit — telling a new couple they need to let “some man” into the middle of their marriage is pretty fucked-up:
See what I mean?