Since our first summer we have all been told that the Fourth of July is America’s birthday.  Well like Dec. 25 for Jesus, it’s a fucking arbitrary date picked out of their ass by politicians with a marketing agenda.

Well, the Fourth is when the Revoluntionary War started right?  Wrong — the shooting started in April — remember Paul Revere, who didn’t do most of the “warning” — it was done by William Dawes, but Dawes doesn’t rhyme with shit so Longfellow said:

Listen children and you shall hear

about the midnight ride of Paul Revere.

That’s right — more patriotic bullshit marketing that had little to do with reality.  Revere got famous; Dawes got screwed.

Well, the Fourth is when the slave-owner Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence right?   Wrong.  Written July 2.

Well, it’s when John Hancock sighed his name in big letters right?    Wrong. Signed on Aug. 2.

The Fourth is the date written on the Declaration, and it is the day the congress agreed to the final language… but it’s hardly a birthday.

When you declare something — especially something like “Independence” from the government  — you really have to tell somebody — or it’s just another crazy inner thought.

It’s like when any wife wants to kill — I mean divorce — her husband.  She has known for months it’s over.  But nobody else knows it’s over until she gets a lawyer.

Well, the British lawyers didn’t get their copy of the Declaration until November, 1776.  On July Fourth, it was just an idea in a few people’s heads and the ginger wrote it down. Hell, half (or more) of the Colonists didn’t really want Independence.

“Are you fucking crazy… they hang rebels.”

I think that was the state motto for New York…

Anyway, the Fourth got famous later.  Especially in the 1820’s as people wanted to distance themselves from the Federalists.  It was those “angry Democrats” (Jackson and his ugly crowd) that wanted to remember the revolution and looked to the Declaration as a good way to market their populist movement.

TJ the Marketeer.

Jefferson became their renewed hero — especially after he died.

Now is a good time to think about what’s in the Declaration.  Mostly a list of greviences against the King — in “quotes” below.  Let me just say a 5th grader can see the patterns King George left for the Orange Putin Puppet to follow — so (here’s mine):

• “He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.” (Emoluments clause, Hatch Admendment anyone?)
• “He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.” (Build that Wall — Concentration Camps for Kids)
• He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers. (Mueller Report)
• He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures. (ICE)
• He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation: (Putin, Kim Jung Un…)
• For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world: (Tariffs)
• For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent: (Tariffs AGAIN)

OK, back to the marketing bullshit in the 1820’s.  It was a fucking Fourth of July miracle.  John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on the Fourth in 1826 — 50 years after they dated that document… If I was a conspiracy man, I might think the politicians (or the Illuminati) had a plan to get rid of those two on the same day.  But I’m cynical, not fucking crazy.

It took Congress till 1870 to declare the Fourth of July the nation’s birthday (almost 100 years after it happened).  Because Congress has always sucked.

A Better Day

If it were up to me, I would set the nation’s birth as Oct. 17, 1777. That’s the first day this country finally did something.  They kicked the British army’s ass and kept those fuckers from sneaking down from Canada.  That’s right we kept getting invading by those Fucking Canadians (in 1814 they came down and burned the White House).

The British Army surrendered at the Battle of Saratoga on Oct. 17, 1777.  No one remembers that battle. But that’s when this nation was really “born.”

It’s the first time anybody really believed we had a chance to win that war and actually break away from the British. At least it convinced the French.  And France won it for the “Americans”.

The guy who really won Saratoga?  Benedict Arnold.  We all know him for being a traitor.  But he was the first American to actually lead us to a win.  He got nothing for it but a leg wound that almost killed him, debts the Congress would not repay, and the credit going to someone else.

Two years later, he was broke, busted for misusing funds and started plotting with the British to give away West Point for 10,000 pounds and a General’s rank.  What’s more American than that.  Today we call it “Free Agency.”

So I say – let’s go with Oct. 17 — the weather is almost perfect in 90-percent of America…

It’s hot as fuck on July 4th

So when you are outside in the sun, sweating over a hot grill with cheap burgers and mystery meat hot dogs think about what day you are doing this on.

Yeah, maybe Oct. 17 doesn’t sound so bad now, huh?

Updated: July 2, 2021

The Orange Putin Puppet is out of office (I wrote this little rant in 2019), but these points still stand.  You could say Americans declared their Independence from his fatness in 2020, but he won’t let us go.  Do you think the French would come save us from the false claims of the election fraud the way they bailed us out at Yorktown in 1781?