I’ve been writing this bullshit for two-and-a-half-years. Jesus, I could have had a master’s degree by now. In those 30 months, I’ve gone from 5 to about 8 readers.
At least my “writing persona” is more popular than I was in high school.
To give you an idea how badly this bullshit has been received, my wife stopped reading it about a week after she found out she was The Bear. “To have and to hold…” didn’t include “to read my fucked-up rants”.
For these Certified Bullshit Awards, there are two categories: real and virtual.
Most of the “real readers,” I see weekly on the tennis court. They are more or less compelled to read my bullshit so when we talk shit across the net, they know why we call him “Pussy Joe.”
“Virtual” are a few folks that found this shit on the internet and (through some unique feature of their common mental issues) continue to come back to this black hole.
Real Reader Awards
It goes to the person who remembers the most about these posts.
Hands down the winner is: Kangaroo-faced Gibson. That dude comes back with quotes a year or two after a rant has been published, like he’s reciting a Shakespeare soliloquy. I don’t even remember writing that shit, and he’s regurgitating these little cynical remarks, angry insults and petty feuds.
He loves insults so much, he thinks Full Metal Jacket is a comedy.
When you vent, you are going to draw a few frustrated followers. But the Scariest fucker on the subscription list has to be Capara, the world’s most pissed off engineer. If I start a little verbal fire — big enough to BBQ in the backyard — he is ready to douse that shit in rocket fuel and burn down the neighborhood.
“Just give me the coordinates,” he says without a touch of irony or humor. “I can drop a warhead right through that fucker’s window…” He works at the bomb factory in Tucson. I absolutely believe he could do it.
Hey, hey Capara, it’s just a bullshit blog — not a god damn manifesto.
Most Persistent (or Lonely)
This dude reads or comments on most posts. I can’t figure out if he’s just the kind of guy who finishes what he starts or he is the loneliest little man on the planet.
Sometimes, I think this bullshit is his only remaining tie to humanity. “MarkMac‘s” wife is a friend of the Bear. He moved 500 miles for a new job; the wife did not go with him. After that move, he’s on this bullshit week in and week out.
“Every time I see him he asks me about your car or your knees,” The Bear said. “I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about.”
If there’s going to be a comment, it’s going to be from Sean Layton, The Land Manatee. He’s a real writer and even his 20-word comments are more insightful, clear and humane than these 600-word rants. You should read his full stories (book chapters) on his site — well worth your time.
Virtual Reader Awards
The Original Writa’
Within a few weeks of my first story, Christina (Rants and Swears) found this bullshit and threw up a bunch of compliments. While “blogs” are mostly receipes, workout routines, and parenting, there’s none of that shit on her site — “For Fuck’s Sake” (now on WordPress).
She is letting you know what other humans have done to disappoint her (once again) and spares no one — not even the under-age person she gave birth to.
She’s now speaking out on video. Truly a kindred spirit of the Land Manatee and I — even if a virtual one.
Lewis Black Fan
Every bullshitter large and small knows that Lewis Black started this bullshit. But one of his fans followed along. Mildred is a regular writer on the Rant is Due, a political typing head on Twitter and a fucking great photographer.
Her daily shots of sunrise and sunset in Tucson are stunning. Follow her on Twitter to see the daily show. It’s amazing she wastes her time with the likes and retweets on this page…
My newest reader is a nutjob from California who calls himself, Tippy Gnu. He found this bullshit in June on WordPress, and by the last week of July had read every post and liked most of them.
He’s by far Most Likeable. He was “liking” 10 rants a day. Some days he was doing two-a-days with a session at 3 a.m. and one at 5 p.m. If it was like high school football, he was probably puking and sleeping inbetween.
With these rants, I’m guessing he went running to his therapist’s couch to hold onto that last little thread of sanity.
“None of your rants had likes — especially the early ones,” he wrote. “I felt like someone had to click Like on them.”
Pity can be a powerful motivator. He writes at Chasing Unicorns… Realism with a touch of history and social commentary. Try it, you’ll like it.
If you have wasted a huge amount of time on this site and wonder where your bullshit participation trophy is? Go to Amazon and order one of these…
You can cover anything you want with your own bullshit.
Congratulations to all the trophy winners. Your physical participation trophy will be forever “in the mail.”