When I first saw it, I was offended like an 18-year-old female being called a “freshman” at an Ivy League School (they want to be called “first years” like they are starring in Harry Fucking Potter movies).
But this shit was big and orange and sitting in the middle of the road. It said: “Steel Plates Ahead.”
How dare they. Don’t they know my friend “Shad” has a steel plate in his head?
Can you imagine having to be a Shad? It’s bad enough to be a half-a-Frankenstein with a piece of metal holding your head together. Then you are forced to read this offensive reminder every day?
Shad already sets off every machine at the airport. What’s next — force him to wear the scarlett hat. Cross out the MAGA, and replace it with “Steel Plate Head?”
Will the Real Shad Please Stand Up
Shad is one of the Tucson pendejos who every summer destroy their own bowels through over consumption at “meatapalooza” in Pinetop.
When you meet for the first time, the first story Shad shares is that he had a huge head injury when he was a child — so they covered it with a metal plate.
His second story is about the other “Shad.”
“I’ve only met one Shad,” Shad said. “We were freshman going to the same college, and we both had metal plates in our heads.”
What are the odds? Apparently 100-percent. And since I’ve never heard of another Shad, I’m going to predict that all Shads have metal plates in their heads.
It’s a good hypothesis, and like all science it is “right” until it is proven wrong.
Based on the Shad-steel-plate theory, I’m also going to assume that all Shads marry tall blonde shiksas (with a passion for picking on people with lazy eyes) and raise a trio of giant, talented children who call their parents “low-key racists.”
Ok, that shit might be a little specific. But find me a Shad with an all-natural skull, and I’ll change my bullshit hypothesis.
Until then, this road sign is offensive to every Shad, great and small. We might as well have a big orange street sign that says — “Don’t Hit The Shad.”
But even if “Steel Plate Ahead” only applies to two Shads in the world — isn’t that enough? Don’t we all believe that we should change any language that could possibly offend any single person — no matter how fucked up their semi-oval heads might be?
Instead of “Steel Plate Ahead” can’t we have a sign that doesn’t pick on people with “steel” or “plates”?
Can’t we avoid the word (or even the syllable) “head” all together. No need to remind these permanent helmet bearers that they are no longer fully human.
In Front of You
Standard-Sized Metal Surface
Temporarily Replaces Pavement
That will be really easy to understand at 45 miles per hour…
At least no one will be offended when the cars crash through the construction zone. What’s the worst that could happen — maybe they will put a dent in the head of another Shad (or two).
Update: Oct. 5, 2019
Holy Shit, I found another Shad on earth. No word if he has a steel plate in his head, but based on the hoodie+baseball cap look, odds are good.