I don’t trust people who don’t cuss — those fuckers are hiding something.

But if I meet you for the first time (in person) and you start out with “how the fuck are you?”  You are a psychopath.

Hence, the conundrum of cussing. It has to be done in the right context. And it’s pretty easy to fuck up context.

People who hide behind Christianity for not cussing in English are just full of shit. Where in your fucking books, did god list out the 7 (or 40, or 500) deadly words in English? Ohh he was illiterate and people did verbal translations in 3 different languages over 1600 years before it made modern English. But you and your friends can read his mind to decide “shit” is bad but “poop” is OK.

Fuck you.

Better to say some words are just “impolite” and make some people uncomfortable. You have to build some sort of relationship before using the “dirty” words for excrement, genitalia and sex.

And please know that what makes a word “dirty” is a shitty subjective judgement brought to you by the most repressed, anal-retentive assholes in the English-speaking world. Over time, the anal assholes will lose.

Words switch meanings over time. Cunt was a perfectly fine word in Shakespeare’s time, but now it’s so dirty only an Austrialian will say it out loud.

All “dirty” words will eventually become “normal”.

But a new set of shitty words will take their place — people need rules to break or their heads explode from the stress.

Brain wave studies have shown that cussing really helps people deal with emotional and physical pain. That’s why if you smash your thumb with a hammer, it’s good to scream “Mother Fucker” so all your neighbors can hear.

They may think you are crazy, but you’ll reduce your chance of getting an ulcer or Alzheimer’s.

Did you know our current list of cussing is a good example of lingering “racism”? William the Conqueror won in 1066, so fucking french-like, latinized words with soft endings are fine:

• penis
• vagina
• feces.

But the germanic anglo-saxon words with the hard consonants (brought to you by the Huns) are dirty:

• dick
• cunt
• shit.

(Proof that “racism” is really culture and not just pigment).

Goddamn Teachers

When I was teaching 9th graders in the 90’s, I had to give up cussing all together. I have a very hard time with context.

Kids giggled when I said things like “that’s bullshit”, and “Goddamn it, stop that shit.” Vice Principals didn’t giggle, as much as take notes and issue written warnings…

For 7 years, I held my tongue. Gained 35 pounds, was recognized for my red face and veins popping out of my neck, and had long shitty bouts of back pain. Quit teaching, started cussing, and I feel a lot fucking better.

The Bear is the opposite. She can teach all day without an inappropriate word passing her lips, walk out to the car and say: “Those little fuckers were acting like shits today.” That’s some sort of magical switch that most people just don’t have.

The rest of us just have to make sure we keep cussing in the right context. Cuss too soon, and you’re a crass cretin. Cuss too late and you’re a self-righteous asshole.

As for me, I’ll take cretin over asshole any day.

*Cussing in context does not apply to any “Bullshit Blog” — this is the correct context.