I must confess and probably apologize… I’m a body-size bigot.
But I got a new perspective listening to Neal Brennan’s podcast . I listen to Neal because he is my friend, Mike Brennan’s, little cousin.
Neal is obviously a flawed human being, but his 3 Mics Netflix special is funny, serious and unlike most comedy, or Neal, it has some real weight behind it.
During a recent podcast – in his How Neal Feel series (told you egotistical and flawed human) Neal answered a listener’s email about how hurtful it was when he called out “Big Bitches.” He actually listened and apologized — not a trait in any self-respecting Brennan, I know.
At the end he admitted, “I’m a body-size bigot. I’m prejudice against fat people. No one wants to sit next to you on an airplane.”
I’m that guy. I always get on a plane last. I should have become a priest — I can make 300 people pray in unison — “god don’t sit next to me.”
My gut, shoulders and elbows are going to spill “blessings” all over whoever is stuck with me. Amen.
That’s when I realized, I’m a body-size bigot too. But I’m not a self-loathing fattie.
I hate skinny fucks.
Neal’s proud to be 150 pounds.
Shit, I was 150 pounds my freshman year in high school. If you are not a little person and claim to be a full-grown man and only weigh 150 pounds, they should take away your driver’s license before you bump into a shopping cart at Safeway, and the air bag kills you.
Neal spent a lot of time talking about his fasting habit — he often goes 36 hours without food.
Science says a lot of our eating habits are driven by our gut biome. You know the little critters that live in intestines and actually digest food for us. Humans would die without them.
Research shows your gut biome can control your mood, what you think, what you crave, how much fat you store… they can even make you depressed.
We will probably learn that Republican gut biome’s are a bunch of lying assholes that support dictators and don’t give a shit about the constitution…
Neal Brennan has battled depression and other shit. He claims he loves sweets, but limits his intake. I say it’s his microbes are trying to send him a message — more ice cream.
But instead he is going on fasts like a sinful monk. I’m betting Neal’s gut biome hates his fucking guts… (yes people that is perfect irony).
They will keep him an angry little skinny fuck and not let him enjoy a marbled steak or a side of bacon.
Some researchers have been giving fecal transplants to help the obese lose weight. Maybe Neal could drink a few “shit shakes” to stop being such an asshole to fat people.
Yeah, yeah, I could use one to stop hating on the skinny fucks… but I wouldn’t take it, because I’m right.
Skinny fucks say they are healthier and shame us fatties. Well fuck you — some fat people live longer — especially if that weight includes a little more muscle. Ever pick up a weight in your life Neal Brennan — just looking at you – no you have not.
Skinny fucks dominate the magazine covers, Madison Avenue advertising and most of pop culture. It’s a self-referencing prejudice that defies what real people look like in favor of bony elbows and scary toes.
They dominate health care too. There’s big money in diet books, exercise videos and liposuction.
Big Sugar Payoff
But just the way the cardologists were paid off by big sugar to misread the data from the Framingham study and blamed fat for heart disease (it was sugar and carbs all along) a lot of health care folks instantly blame a few extra pounds for all health issues.
I’ve had back pain for a long time. Every practitioner I have ever seen first said “lose weight” as a mantra. But lots of skinny fucks have back issues. The worst back pain I ever had was when I lost the most weight and got under 200 pounds.
Skinny fucks blame heart issues on cholesterol and body fat too… but some studies say that link is bullshit. But people pump billions into anti-cholesterol meds and cholesterol tests. Bacon ain’t that bad people.
It’s just another thoughtless little prejudice brought to you by the people who can’t eat everything on their plate or finish a fucking cookie.
If we all carried more pounds, we could make the goddamn airlines and theaters widen the seats and stretch out the rows. Wouldn’t we all like bigger seats?
You can blame those small seats on the skinny fucks. So next time you see one walking on the plane, know that you are squeezed into that little tiny space because that asshole is fucking up the curve.
Have a cookie, skinny fuck. And finish the whole fucking thing. We will all feel better.