Bad Tech

My own hero

I’ll bet you didn’t know, but I’m a fucking hero. I’m saving the ocean with every stupid search on the Google I make.

Just like the most selfish Go-fund me campaign in history where my friends kicked in for a fermentor to torment Larry into brewing us 5 times more beer (for fuck’s sake) my trip to heroism started with a selfish waste of time and resources.

I was obsessively checking the stats on this Bullshit, when I ran into this little nugget.

 

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Status from WordPress on how people find this Bullshit.

Usual suspects, blogs, google, WordPress, social… then what’s this “oceanhero.today...”?

Click it.  Turns out it’s an alternative search engine.  Uses the Google search engine. But if you click on the ads, some of the revenue goes to pay poor people in poor countries to pick up plastic before it washes into the ocean.

What were people searching for on oceanhero.com that sent them to my Bullshit?

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Meat causes world hunger…  for about 10 minutes my Meat Causes World Hunger is Bullshit rant made the top 10 list for Ocean Hero.

Three, count them three, people clicked on that shit.  They must have run away in disgust. I’m sure they were working on saving the oceans and wanted some evidence that meat kills people.  They were sorely disappointed to learn meat doesn’t starve people — people starve people.

I dropped off the front page of the search engine a few milliseconds later. Fucking wimps. They can’t handle the truth.

I wanted to click away from this site and never be bothered with their bullshit again…

Fuck. Now I’m watching the video on OceanHero.

Those piles of plastic in Indonesia or wherever the hell that 2-second map pointed to were the kicker. By the way, I know Americans suck at geography, but how come every video or news  story flashes on the map so fast you are not quite exactly sure where and when they are referring to?  God damn it, give us a second to get oriented before you cut to the sick kids with flies all over their face.

The whole video reminded me of when the Native American cried all over the freeway in the 1970’s.

iron-eyes-cody-psa-featured

Stole the image and history of Iron Eyes Cody from here.

Might as well put up a picture of jack-booted nazis kicking puppies.

Ohh, that 70’s commercial of the American Indian and pollution — that part was played by a Sicilian. Makes me suspicious of all marketing for things that “do good.” Even so, my family stopped throwing our trash out the window of a moving station wagon.

OK, even if this OceanHero shit is a scam, I’d rather click and maybe send money to these dudes than just fuel the “Do No Evil” Empire that does nothing but line its own pockets and fuck up property values in San Francisco (Google gives less than 1 percent of its enormous profits to its foundation).

I’m not endorsing Ocean Hero, but I use it.  So that makes me a hero while you are just a useless internet user sucking the resources from Mother Earth.

I’m saving the planet one ad click at a time, while you are funding corporate greed on a new technological-age scale that we have never seen in the history of humans.

That’s right people, one browser plugin and I went from being a loser like you to a fucking Ocean Hero.

Feel free to thank me in the comments.

4 replies »

  1. Funny, I’ve been to the ocean with you three or four times and I’ve never seen you dip as much as one god damned pinky toe in the water. I think that in order to be called an “ocean hero” you have to at least come within ten yards of the H2O, hell, you should at least let a little of the foam that washes over the sand tickle your little piggies. Kieren, how would you feel if suddenly I was dubbed “The Cookie Hero” just because I finished one Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookie. Joe

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every trip I have gone in the ocean — but I don’t swim with, near or in front of pendejos. You sir are already the cookie “hero”. The 2017 march taught us all who wear pussy hats are heroes.

      Like

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