Fat Biker

Fat Biker: The Wire

“I bought this bike, so I could ride it. I don’t want to learn how to fix it.”

The skinny fuck bicycle repair man looked at me with one eye half closed, the other dimmed — the universal face of nobody gives a flying fuck.

“Un-huh,” he said.  As he rolled my precious carbon-fiber Trek with the electronic shifting to the back room.  It was going to be two weeks before I could get the precious back.  

Even the super bicycle repairmen could not stand up to the Pandemic.

I hate to admit how much I paid for this bike. Let’s just say when my lying nazi bullshit diesel got rear-ended with the bike on the back, the insurance company repaired the car without batting an eye, but freaked out at covering the cost of the bike.

More money — more problems. Cheap bikes last forever — hardly ever go to the shop. The $5k kind demand attention, new parts and “precision.”

Fuck.

The bike had stopped shifting. I removed the battery, charged it, set it perfectly back into place — nothing. This was the second fucking time in 4 years that I “broke” the electronic shifting… The first time, I snapped the little plastic lever with my little fat fingers.

Trek replaced it on warranty but warned me that it was “user error,” and they wouldn’t do it again. God damn over-engineered piece of crap, you touch it gently and it snaps like a skinny fuck’s collarbone.

This time I was gentle. All levers still in place.

See the little lever is open just right — with the little gray button raised. You have to open the lever, push the gray button and pull the battery off to the left to remove it. Takes two hands while your “third hand” holds the bike upside down.

Three hours later, Global Bikes called.

“Your bike is ready.”

Shit. No “real” problems get fixed this fast. This is going to be embarrassing.

It was.

“You bent the wire,” skinny fuck number 2 said. “I bent it back and it worked just fine.”

Whatever you do, don’t let your fat fingers bend this wire when snapping the battery off the bottom frame.

I could feel the eyes of all in the shop looking around to see what kind of an idiot would bend a wire and not bend it back. Their eyes all landed on me simultaneously. The peer pressure was greater than their combined weight. Skinny fucks.

“No charge,” they said. It was a pity repair.

If they can’t save my dignity, they can at least save something from my wallet. I’d like to think my dignity costs more than $50-$150, but this time I’ll take the cash.

When I bought this machine, I knew biking was a skinny man’s game. Signing up to be a fat biker, I put myself in a minority. I had no idea that it extended all the way down to my fat fingers. Bending a little wire turned a 20-speed, 21st-century prize of engineering into a single speed, 19th-century piece of shit .

One bend and 8 months later, we are still in the modern era, and the bike is working fine. The same cannot be said of my fragile male ego or pride. You can bend those back, but unlike the wire, they will never be the same.

9 replies »

  1. Oh my, this post had me laughing out loud! I remember having a many-speeded (is that a word?) bike and only using about 3 of them. Then I got a 3 speed bike and used mostly 1 of them. My next bike (should I go down this road yet again) will probably be electric.
    Thanks for the chuckles, Kieran.

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly. It’s been a long time since I even had a bike and I’m not fitness nut at all. Picked up Rad Power bikes for Christmas for me and the Mrs. The goal was just to get us off the couch and moving. If we can’t make it back or over a speed lump, hit the electric. So far, they are fun. When the summer heat kicks in, you can find us back on the couch. Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

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