Tales of Tucson

Dick Move or Nah?

Among the Pendejos we have a split decision on whether Shad should be nominated for a bronze medal in Dick Move of the Year 2021.

Pussy Joe has got the gold locked up. Just about everything he does from bringing pink eye to a party, to getting Covid on a road trip, to not finishing his beer (or taco) is worthy of the gold. Food waste is a crime, shithead. There are people who need to have those calories that you so proudly throw in the trash.

Joe is still a quarter-cookie-eating little fucking pussy, and he always will be. In 2021, he locked up gold by locking out Larry.

It was a group invite to play tennis in our what’s app chat. Someone set a time, and everyone else chimed in. Joe usually enforces even numbers. It sucks to have odd numbers, (someone has to sit) or have a 10 guys when no one wants to play singles. But it’s not the end of the world. It just means some people have to sit and drink while others play. Joe’s a prick right from the start.

Then this:

Note the time: took less than a minute for Joe to screw over Larry.

Don’t worry. Larry got his revenge within a few weeks. A well-placed volley cut Joe’s dick move down to size.

Joe’s balls have been “Larryed”.

Shad is the other side of the story.

Shad doing his best Pussy Joe impersonation. Fail?

One of these dick moves is not like the other. It threw the Pendejos into a tizzy. Joe threw Larry off the tennis train in favor of some strange old man who’s not even on the chat.

Shad bumped Patrick in favor his own daughter, Peris. She is somewhere between 18-28 — I can’t keep it straight (I’m not bothering to look it up for this bullshit, but before this generation of co-dependents, it’s an age that was considered an adult).

Based on those facts, I nominated Shad for the bronze in Dick Move of the Year.

No one seconded.

“Bros before hoes… But daughters before ALL… #teamShad”

Kevin

Others joined team Shad. As usual, no one was on my side. But that’s never made me give on on this kind of Bullshit before.

Sure, Shad might be a good dad. Sure, that plate in his head could be why he can’t remember setting a game one hour later or forgot he already had a match with his daughter. Sure his wife could have leg wrestled him into submission, and he didn’t want to admit it.

But I’ve come not to praise Shad, but to bury him (in bronze).

Some say we need to know what Shad knew and when did he know it. Maybe we could get a neuro-psych consult and see what isn’t working in that pointy little head of his? Maybe we could put him under a lie detector and find out the “real” reason he would blow off a fellow Pendejo.

Fuck those excuses. “Forgetting” is bullshit. Shad has a smart phone — make a note. If he can’t remember, and can’t use his phone – pick up a paddle, and make the walk of shame to the south courts — Shad is now ready for pickle-ball. (Death will be at your heals).

If your “adult” daughter called after you set the match, teach your little douchebag-post-millennial to plan ahead. I know my little shithead (age 30) expects me to be at his beck and call and drop any plans for “his schedule” and usually gives me about 10 minutes heads up. That shit is reserved for his mama. Send me a meeting invite, boy, and maybe I will add you to my calendar.

Asking your kid to plan a little bit, doesn’t mean you love them any less. You are just drawing out a little of the douchebaggery that has taken over these younger generations.

All that means Shad gets the Bronze… it’s a dick move. People can have their own opinion on that.

But there’s no doubt, he’s not even close to Gold. No one else will be able to wrestle “Dick Move of the Year 2021” from Pussy Joe’s cold (quarter-cookie-eating) dead hands — especially when they have to hold the ice bag on his nuts.

3 replies »

  1. Kieran, Could be the best Kieran’s Bullshit Humor post ever. The pic of Joe icing his balls? Priceless. The pick of Shad for the Bronze? Worthy!! 😂

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.