I’ve spent way too much time on the Olympic mix channel trying to pick one of the five NBC screens to watch — only to wonder “what the fuck is this doing in the Olympics” and turn the whole damn thing off.
I forgot there were horses. But here we are with 3 channels of prancing giant mammals around an empty park or jumping fake hurdles with their manes and tails groomed into a funky punk-rock parade.
Horse jumping and “dressage” are throwback activities to the colonial powers. Good practice for dragging in the cannons and arming the calvary so you can impose military dictatorships on huge parts of America, Africa and India. Remember the horrors of 16th-19th centuries? Now you can forget them and see the past through fancy Olympic showcases of skinny fucks in green jackets sitting on muscled gray mares.
Here we have Bruce Springsteen, a working-class hero, whose daughter, Jessica, re-enacts the worse classism of the past by embodying the income inequity of the present. He sings about depression in factory towns, so his daughter can fly her horses to dress-up shows around the world. The Boss, indeed.
Speaking of douchebag millennials, fucking skateboards with judges for turning “best trick” in 30-seconds is now an Olympic sport. You know, just like the Greeks used to do.*
If a bunch of high kids can’t keep up the activity for longer than a minute — not a sport. Do some fucking cross training and get in shape. Wrestlers and boxers can make it 3 minutes pummeling each other, surely you kids can stand on a board for longer than one commercial break.
So I’ve come up with some Bullshit rules (there will be exceptions) for banning sports from the Summer Olympics.
- It’s a human competition. Unless the rider is blind and can’t cross the street without it, leave the horse at home.
- Winners and Losers are not picked by judges — there has to be objective measures for points or a clock or both.
- If the world’s best athletes don’t come, that sport has got to go.
In addition to douchebags on wheels and all horse events, here’s the top 5 sports that should be out.
The top 5 Banned Olympic Sports
5. Tennis (all genders)
It’s an afterthought for the professionals on tour. More than half the top 10 don’t come. There’s already international competition by country (Davis Cup – Fed Cup — or whatever the fuck they call it now). I love tennis,. I’ve got a whole category of Bullshit devoted to tennis teams and the pendejos who play it. Olympics? Only watched Djokovic destroy a racquet. BANNED.
4. Men’s Basketball
There’s already so much fucking basketball. College, NBA, Europe, Eastern Europe, Isarel… Since the dream team in ’96, the US has not brought its absolute best. Other countries also don’t really seem to care. It’s an NBA 3rd team all-star tournament with a few 40-something international veterans hoping to get one last Coke commercial out of the deal. BANNED.
Give me a fucking break. Like there’s not enough golf on TV from all kinds of countries and all kinds of courses. Let the poor kids running track or rowing get a spotlight once in a while, you selfish pricks. BANNED.
2. Kayak/Canoe rowing
How many fucking kinds of rowing can we have. If you want to row, get in the fastest boats possible. If you want to kayak, run the rapids. BANNED.
- Synchronized Swimming
Looks ridiculous — is ridiculous. If you want to leave it on TV — make it “Synchronized Swimming with the Stars”. Maybe we can get Kayleigh McEnany to take Sean Spicer’s place and nearly drown on an upside-down-legs-in-the-air-pointless-pose. BANNED.
I’m too lazy to ban more than 5. What else do you think needs to go…