Bullshit Blogging

Sugar Mama vs Bear

In the battle of the Bullshit blog nicknames, I was confident I had picked a winner. Surprise, I fucked that up.

As I was transitioning in early 2021 from Kieran, working-in-Tucson, to Kieran, full-time-Phoenix-with-no-job, I started calling the wife, “Sugar Mama“. She foolishly promised to support me through what I thought was going to be years of unemployment until I became a ward of the state (social security).

Alas, I was “officially” unemployed for only two weeks. I burned through almost 3 months of unused vacation time filling out online job applications and envisioning a future of poverty and dependence.

I spent the next 6 months on this Bullshit website correcting my past mistakes and carefully rebranding the wife “Sugar Mama” in the most polite tones possible (for me). I thought it was helping. I thought I was doing good…

“What’s this Sugar Mama bullshit,” she said, as she was whipping her swipe finger over my online Bullshit. “I’d rather be the Bear.”

Well, fuck me.

Load 16 tons of kiss-assery and what do you get? Another year older and deeper in debt.

This is how I pictured my Sugar Mama. Showering me in unearned gifts. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

But she would rather be seen as an unpredictable giant of the forest.

Yeah, that’s the look of a woman who has been with me for 35 years. Disappointed, bored and ready to kill all at once. Photo by Janko Ferlic on Pexels.com

What can I say, bears are unpredictable.

I know I probably shouldn’t have started with stupid nicknames in the first place.

I thought I was being original — until I learned just about every blogger on earth has a “cute” word for their spouse and/or children. So even the idea to create a nickname was stupid.

Then to learn I leaned into exactly the wrong one. Is there any man alive who thought his wife would rather be called a “bear” than a “sugar mama”?

It’s almost enough to make me quit this bullshit (blog I mean) and return to my island of inner thoughts — where every idea is original, every simile makes people smile, and every body loves me (especially the ones with vaginas).

Eh. fuck that. If I wanted to live inside my head, I’d just do heroine all day.

In the meantime, let’s see if you people can help me out of this little dilemma…

Leave new suggestions in the comments. I’ll try out the “winner.” Let’s see if my 8 readers can fuck this up as bad as I have.

10 replies »

  1. When I started this crap, I checked out a nickname a buddy gave me: CZAR DONIC. There was only one hit, some guy in Russia a a photo of some chick in a two piece. I wrote several times, and finally it just disappeared, bo I decided to use it. 110 years I used it. Sow someone came along and decided to use it as a place for visual crap. You can have it if you want. Beat the shit outta them/

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    • Could be… But that’s how we said it in Ohio where I learned how to cuss… “Fuck (pause) if I know.” Maybe we just couldn’t pronounce the “ed” or your lips would freeze to your teeth in the winter.

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  2. Gomer Pyle, I’ve been waiting for this blog. It only makes sense to use “The Bear” for anybody who says, “Jesus is not sleeping in this room.” I know, an inside joke only a few tennis players in Tucson even understand, but still one of the funniest and best lines of the last few years. In fact I have a title for your book should you decide to do one for the entire family. It would be, “The Boy, The Bear, and the God Damn Communist Heathen.” You can send my bullshit award for this title in the same package for my most memorable award you gave me in one of your other blogs. If my awards don’t show up, the angry engineer has your address.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I forgot all about your award… I think it’s also fair to say “Jesus is not participating in this bullshit”. I do like the book title, but I would edit it to “… God Damn Jew Commie Heathen” just to be a little more racist and offensive for no good reason.

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