Dirty Words

Flaccid is the new Pussy

Like 99 percent of all men, for years I’ve struggled with getting “pussy” right.

But I’m not going to bore you with my sex life — I’m talking something truly exciting: semantics. I know it is sexist to call weak men pussies — like you Pussy Joe — but I have been too stupid to think of a better word. I’m not alone.

Here’s a two-minute clip on how stupid that word choice is:

Hal Sparks is right. Pussies are tough and balls are weak, but “big balls Joe” is no way to describe a grown man who can’t even finish a baby beer or one fucking cookie.

One morning in those beautiful seconds of alpha waves between the conscious and the unconscious, it hit me. We call men “dicks” or “dick heads” for acting like assholes (another dirty word oxymoron for the most sensitive orifice on the human body). But I always picture “dickhead” as referring to a dildo-like hardened edifice — not one flapping in the breeze on a nude beach or suffering from shrinkage.

Picture that and you too can agree: “Flaccid penis is the new pussy.”

Sounds right. Flaccid penis may not rhyme with pussy, but it’s related. It flows in form and sound. It has that beautiful combination of sounding silly and insulting at the same time.

Let’s try it in a sentence:

“That douchebag millennial is just a fucking flaccid penis.”

Works. With just a little practice that phrase will flow like shit through a sick cow.

Let’s try it in a rant:

“Fuck you Joe. You goddamn-quarter-cookie-eating, little-fucking-flaccid penis.”

I’m liking it.

Go to the google: “what’s the plural of penis?” (be honest you were not 100-percent positive either).

“Penises or penes.” Ok fuck penes. I’m going with the former.

“If you all can’t finish this pitcher, you’re just a bunch of flaccid penises…” Not perfect, but it will do.

In the “Elements of Style”, EB White said we should favor the short, hard consonant sounds of the Anglo-Saxon over bastardized latin words. But I’m sticking with Flaccid over Soft.

We’ve got enough idiots running this country, we may as well add to their vocabulary by upgrading our insults. So let’s use the more complicated word for this, and stick with the “holy” unnecessary and confusing double “cc” spelling.

“Flaccid Penis Joe” at work

Flaccid is just enough of an upgrade most people will have to practice saying and spelling it correctly. It can be our little hope for the future that people still care enough about our dying language to spare a few extra synapsis to reinforce our toxic masculinity. “Flaccid” is for intellectuals. Only fucking morons say “soft.”

You know what else I learned on the google? Flaccid is not just for dicks anymore. People can have flaccid muscles, or flaccid skin or flaccid brain function too. It refers to anything “lacking firmness, hanging limply or lacking force, vigor of effectiveness.”

Seems to fit my friend, “Flaccid Penis Joe” to a T.

So let’s get this shit rolling people. We need a whole movement of dictionary nerds, stand up comedians and jailhouse influencers to make the switch to “flaccid penis”. #FlaccidPenisIstheNewPussy

Who’s with me?

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