Category: Fat Biker

It ain’t easy to be fat in the wheeled-world of the skinny fucks.

Fat Biker: The Wire

By Kieran on February 19, 2021 • ( 9 Comments )

“I bought this bike, so I could ride it. I don’t want to learn how to fix it.”

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Got Milk?

By Kieran on February 9, 2021 • ( 11 Comments )

Just try to hold your breath when cycling past the dairy farm — I fucking dare you. It can’t be done.

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Fat Biker: ducks are dicks

By Kieran on December 2, 2020 • ( 9 Comments )

Ducks should run like chickens. But not the fucking gaggle on the Western Canal bike path south of Baseline Road in Mesa, Az.

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Fat Biker: Screwed — updated

By Kieran on October 27, 2020 • ( 2 Comments )

I was as happy as a school girl on heroin pedaling through a residential neighborhood in San Diego — when I got screwed. Hundreds of times. That’s how many drywall screws were lying about the bike lane pointing every which way. Gray screws against gray pavement. Almost impossible […]

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Fat Biker: Fast Runner

By Kieran on July 23, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

One of the few joys of road biking is dominating the bike lane — easily passing runners, beach cruisers and mountain bikes.

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Fat Biker: fear the fart

By Kieran on June 25, 2020 • ( 11 Comments )

I’ve spent thousands on a good bike. Hundreds on shoes and clothes. I spent $1.29 on a snickers bar that fucked up a perfectly good ride.

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Last Dance for Lance

By Kieran on June 23, 2020 • ( 24 Comments )

Covid-19 has forced us to replace sports with documentaries about sports. Kills time, but fucks up the betting.

ESPN played “The Last Dance”, Michael Jordan’s ode to himself, and 30 for 30’s series on Lance Armstrong practically back-to-back.

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Fat Biker: Numb Nards

By Kieran on June 2, 2020 • ( 9 Comments )

Covid-19 Quarantine has sent many of us scurrying back to our bicycles.

Some for the first time since childhood. I see them on the bike paths, wearing a T-shirt and jeans shorts with no pads, gears squeaking from the spider webs they didn’t bother to wipe, and weaving all over the road like drunks.

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Fat Biker: Horse’s Ass

By Kieran on May 21, 2020 • ( 8 Comments )

Put tires on my road bike that are 3 millimeters wider (25 to 28 mm), so I could ride on a little dirt. What did I get? A berating from two “expert” trail users.

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Fat Biker: Passing M&M’s

By Kieran on April 23, 2020 • ( 4 Comments )

I don’t want to admit how many tens-of-thousands of dollars I have spent on road bikes in the past decade. But in this pandemic, worth every fucking penny.

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Fat Biker: E-Bikes

By Kieran on April 2, 2020 • ( 11 Comments )

I was struggling to get up Las Sendas when these four 70-something, fat ass, snowbirds from Michigan floated past me like they were riding on a cloud.

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Fat Biker: Rim jobs

By Kieran on February 4, 2020 • ( 4 Comments )

Fat Bikers are hell on wheels.

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Fat Biker: Narrow Paths

By Kieran on January 2, 2020 • ( 13 Comments )

For years I wished the town of Gilbert would pave the canal path from Guadalupe to Warner Road. Sometimes it’s better for wishes not to come true.

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Fat Biker: Murderous Drivers

By Kieran on November 19, 2019 • ( 5 Comments )

Just because you are wrapped in two tons of steel and plastic doesn’t mean you get to run over anything that slightly annoys you — especially a fat biker just out for a ride.

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Fat Biker: Counting Coup

By Kieran on October 15, 2019 • ( 4 Comments )

It’s an instinct that probably goes back to our days chasing mammoths over a cliff. Cyclists see another rider ahead and do everything they can to pass that bastard.