Category: Fat Biker

It ain’t easy to be fat in the wheeled-world of the skinny fucks.

Fat Biker: Animal Control

Being a fat biker (pedaling not Harley) with no pigment leaves me little choice.  I have to ride at night or risk Satan’s kisses (sunburn all over). 

I’m a night person anyway. I put on two motorcycle power headlights, a flashing red tail light and head out once the sun turned off.

Fat Biker: Wheel Suckers

Most cyclists are your basic MAMIL’s (middle-aged men in lycra) — you know harmless, masochistic skinny fucks who enjoy burning muscle pain and oxygen deprivation. 

But occasionally out of a pack of MAMIL’s, one douchebag will pop up like burnt toast.  There’s a few different types of douches, but the worst is the wheel-sucker.

Fat Biker Problems – Events

Being the fat guy at the start line in a cycling event is like being the hairy 300-pound dude at the beach in a speedo. I’m in my tight-ass shorts surrounded by all these skinny happy fucks talking about their “race” goals. They are setting up their cadence […]

Fat Biker Problems – real bikers

When I started cycling, I never realized I’d have a problem with the “real” fat bikers. I’m talking about those 250-plus-pound guys riding Harley’s. They fucking follow cyclists everywhere — like a pack of fat flies carrying loud speakers. We all like the two-lane curvy highways near a […]

Fat Biker Problems

Everybody else loses weight when they ride a bike. Not me. I’ve ridden more than 20,000 miles since 2010, and I just keep getting fatter and fatter. Yeah, Yeah… I should eat better and try other things. Fuck that. I like beer and wings and other shitty stuff. […]

New Careers

It’s taken me 40 years to figure out I always need a backup career, because some shit is going to happen and I will be the scapegoat. Currently, I have 2 backup careers in mind: insurance fraud and money laundering.

They seem “easy.”

Kevin Hotter

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- Satire, Commentary, Satirical Commentary -