Fat Biker: ducks are dicks
Ducks should run like chickens. But not the fucking gaggle on the Western Canal bike path south of Baseline Road in Mesa, Az.
Fat Biker: Horse’s Ass
Put tires on my road bike that are 3 millimeters wider (25 to 28 mm), so I could ride on a little dirt. What did I get? A berating from two “expert” trail users.
COW Surprise
There are hours (never full days) when I miss being a teacher. Then the Bear tells me “how her day went” and I remember: ohh that shit sucks.
Chicken Shit Surround Sound
I’m hoping roosters taste exactly like chicken, because my other neighbor just got a Mother Fucking Rooster.
Ceiling Stroke
Did I tell you the Bear had a stroke?
Don’t worry it was long ago, and there are no obvious lasting effects other than (once in a while) she won’t shut up about it.
Desert fall to winter
It’s January 18. The sun is shinning, but the air is cool…
Time for fucking fall in Gilbert, Arizona.
Registered Republican
You would never know from reading this Bullshit, but I have a secret. I’m a registered Republican in the state of Arizona.
Forgotten Dad Lessons
We often forget the impact we have on others. Here’s a little reminder that came from The Boy (now age 29) through Facebook Messenger of what a shitty dad I am.
Tick, Tock I’m Coming for You — Neighbor
I’m infesting my Gilbert, Az, neighborhood like lime disease or rabies.
Volleybrawl — sort of
I tried to play volleyball, once. Nearly, got my nose broken (by the Bear) and almost got in a different fight.
It was early in our relationship. Shortly after I ate the tamale husks to impress the Savages.
Headbutt
As a parent, there are a few moments when you don’t know whether to be pissed or to be proud.
Listen to this bullshit, and tell me which I should have been.
Iris LaBonga
I have never trusted birds — useless fucking things that just mock us with their ability to swoop down on our heads. But years ago something happened that changed my mind.
A History of Phoenix
Phoenix, Arizona, where mighty rivers go to die.
Phoenix is a giant sandy sponge that soaks up all the fresh water from 5 states. The Salt and Verde rivers bring water from northern Arizona and New Mexico and run dry 30 miles short of Phoenix. The underground aquifers of the Santa Cruz, Gila, Agua Fria and New rivers drift into the Valley of the Sun.
All My Grass is Plastic
It only took 6 years to beat the Nazis. The Odyessey was done in 10. Wimps. It took me 50 years to finally win “the grass wars.”
The most fucked-up retirement — ever
You retire to Phoenix from some frozen popsicle like Chicago or Minneapolis or the non-existent god forbid, Canada. So when the days get long, you get the hell out and go home.
