I’ve been married so long, I’m starting to dream that I’m cheating on her… I’m not fucking kidding. Woke up in a hot sweat, half covered with a down blanket and fully wrapped in guilt.
Old people often look back on their youth as a simpler time. That’s bullshit. Life was complicated as soon as we dropped out of the trees and walked across the savannah on our hind legs.
Civilization is created by women. Without them, it’s Lord of the Flies with more testosterone and back hair.
Lewis Black hates tennis. But he closed his show in Austin, Texas on Friday, Nov. 22 with a little tale about the John Newcombe Tennis Ranch. (video)
Recently I noticed a small thing about the Bear that has been driving me a bit crazy.
Whenever she refers to any thing about me or the things I like, she always adds this one adjective.
Some old white guys hate taxes and never want to fund government research. Some old white guys are fucking idiots.
There’s a list of advantages to only spending weekends with the spouse. Surprise visits is not one of them.
My father is 88 years old. His biggest problem in the world is keeping his hometown girlfriend from meeting his traveling girlfriend.
It’s taken me months to fully admit it… But I can now say I was sexually harassed on a boat in Alaska.
I was just two windows away from my second possible menage-a-trois, and I’m so old, I didn’t even turn around to look.
I’ve got no evidence to prove it, but I’m convinced I almost crushed a woman just to support the patriarchy.
It had been a long day and a half in a crowded room listening to stories about work while not getting any work done. I couldn’t wait to head over to Hooters.
It had been built in our imaginations like a combination of Camelot and Plato’s Retreat. It was the first Hooters in the state — newly opened in downtown Phoenix.
We were at the Bear’s second cousin’s wedding in New Mexico when it happened. I drank too much, and said something I thought was funny…
I only have one “sex” story that I used to share in public.
I was 16 years old and working at the ghetto grocery store that was a few blocks from my parents’ house. One winter night around 9 p.m. I was rounding up the last of the shopping carts in the parking lot.
This tiny little rusted out piece-of-shit sedan was a rockin’.
I have a lot of political opinions, but I don’t do much about them. I vote. But I don’t protest, I don’t donate to political causes very often, I don’t volunteer.
I’m suspicious of all groups. I’m not “a joiner”, and I really kinda hate people. But I finally found a political movement I can get behind: Free the Nipple.