Goddamnit, Indian Wells changed the margarita glasses at the fucking tennis tournament this year.
The Bear has always hated my Lying Nazi Bullshit Diesel. Not because it's a liar. Not because it's killing the planet
Sunday it was somewhere between a hundred and a billion degrees, so I got up at dawn and went cycling before the sun melted the blacktop. About 3 hours later, I get home breathing hard, coated in sweaty salt and smelling like a dead muskox. The Bear was getting up to go to the Orange … Continue reading Happy Fucking Father's Day
When it comes to sex and girls, the Boy and I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The Bear does not share this policy. She sticks her nose into every part of his "relationships" like they are unguarded honeycombs. She started when he was in the 2nd grade. "What's her name? What kind of … Continue reading Ginger Stripper
Marriage is an ancient institution, and as of today (I think) the wife and I have been institutionalized for 30 years. After saying "I do," I haven't taken a serious trip to a clothing store, a grocery store or a dry cleaner . I haven't paid a bill since 1984. I did the taxes once … Continue reading The Institution of Marriage
There are only two guys in the world I'm jealous of -- both of them are fucking geniuses. They don't have to work because their wives make a ton of money. As far as I know they sit around in their underwear till noon, go work out for an hour and spend the rest of … Continue reading Unequal Pay
The Bear found out about this Bullshit Blog this past weekend. And guess what mother fuckers, I'm still alive. That goddamn Lewis Black almost got me killed. He reads a couple VW rants which refer to "the bear" and just has to interject "that's his wife." Stick to the script, shit head. If he had … Continue reading The Bear Revealed
Most of my neighbors are so fucked up I can barely look them in the eye, but the Bear and the boy keep dragging me into conversations with them.
In 1987 (I think) I married a Savage, a real Savage, not some bullshit pejorative nickname, but a real Savage.
When I was young, the kind of shitheads I used to hang around said things like: "I can't see being married and waking up next to the same woman every day."