Went on the Alaska Cruise with the Bear. The forecast said cloudy and rain every day. Just what we wanted when we booked this trip for June. We figured it would have been over 100 degrees for a month in Arizona by then.
We figured wrong.
In 2019, it was cool and cloudy in Phoenix all through April and May. It hardly got over 90, and the nights were in the 60’s. I never felt the heat or even flipped on the air conditioner before we escaped to the gray rain of the great northwest.
Surprise, surprise, surprise… it was sunny and “warm” (in the 60’s) most days.
That wasn’t the only surprise. Everybody talked about the food on a cruise. “It’s great,” one of the Savages said. “You’ll gain a bunch of weight.”
It was OK. It was obvious most of it came out of a can or straight from a freezer. Maybe it’s the international audience, but the food was about as exciting as Wonder Bread. It’s probably our American palettes that have been tainted by the SAD (Standard American Diet) with its focus on hidden tons of sugar, salt and fat.
Surprise number 3? I knew the average age on a cruise is going to be older… but goddamnit I felt like I was stuck at the kids’ table for a week. Ohh sure, there were a few people under 50 — the crew, the entertainers, the kids or grandchildren of the people who paid.
I’d be willing to bet that if they did an age graph of the people who actually bought their own tickets, the Bear and I would be in the youngest percentile.
At least we were young enough to get our feet out from under the god damn scooters these geezers were steering around the buffet on the “Lido deck.”
Pick food on the right, keep moving in the “fast lane” on the left. And no fucking stopping and U-turns in the left lane assholes… Most of them never got that memo. Especially those fat ass people in the scooters or using walkers… Ok I’m a fat ass too and there’s a good chance there’s a scooter in my future, but jesus christ the first requirement of buying a scooter must be a 60-inch waist.
The sun and warmth were never more surprising than when we landed in Sitka. We had a day of kayaking planned. I didn’t bring a hat.
Four hours later, I had to be the only person from south of Seattle, who got sunburned in Sitka. Even the locals didn’t pick up any color.
The kayak guide was a ghostly girl who grew up in Sitka. She came out of the boat the same color she went in.
But my god damn pigment impairment left my forehead on fire and my lips raw and red.
Ahh well. A few days with the hat and in the ship and I was fine.
Speaking of burning, the ghostly girl told us the best April Fool’s of all time. Some guy named Porky filled the local volcano with 70 tires.
He had to wait 3 years for the sun to come out, then he rented a helicopter — flew up and set the tires on fire.
Coast Guard got scared and called in an eruption warning. You get get all the gory details on Porky’s April Fool’s tire fire here.
Got home and gained 10 pounds too. If you need me, I’ll be on Amazon picking out my future scooter and planning the next cruise — it was pretty good for me.
PS — See I told you fuckers I could spread some Sunshine... that’s right a story about sunburn is all the Sunshine I got.