Un-consensual Updates

No means no goddamnit.   But not at Apple.

Those mother fuckers shoved another update down my throat without my consent.  I open this piece of shit phone at 5 a.m., and it just stares at me demanding that I put in my “code” and Apple password.

I just wanted to plug it into the Smartass car, so I could listen to Joe Fucking Rogan podcast on the boring ass I-10 from Phoenix to Tucson.

But NOOOOO… The fucking phone must update.  15 minutes of swirly little signs and spinning circles. I ain’t got time for this. I gotta get to work.

“Update Failed.”

Of course it fucking failed.  These updates are pieces of shit, and they never work without a solid wireless connection while the phone is plugged into the wall to get a steady supply of power.

Whoever says robots are not going to kill us all one day is full of shit.  The iPhone 50 will come complete with cyanide.  If you bitch at the phone, it will release just a touch into your wrist until you accept the new programming.

How do I know? I got to Casa Grande and gave up on the podcast.  It wouldn’t play without  the phone update — clicked on Spotify.  The app dims and then those fucking clock hands start slowly spinning.  Spotify is updating…

Did it ask me?  No.

Did I want your fucking update? No.

Did I get an update?  Fuck yes. Not a dinner, not a second of foreplay — not even a little   lube.  Just wham, bam you’re updated man.

And then the goddman app didn’t “work.”  None of my libraries survived. I couldn’t find shit.  Of course you can’t browse the library at 85 mph on the highway.  And I’m not pulling over just so I can pull up the same 180 songs I always listen to on this road.  You would think the car would have them memorized by now.  It’s just a giant expensive computer on wheels — why can’t it remember this shit.

I’m sure Apple and Spotify have my exact list of songs tucked away in their database and sold them to every music vendor in the world.

But thanks to their fucking updates, they have them, and I can’t get them. Fuck.

The Dark Side

My first meeting that day was with our mobile app programming team.  That’s right a small part of my job is creating an app.

“We still need to add the ‘force update’ feature,” the architect said. “If we can’t force update there will be a ton of different versions out there on all these platforms — it will be a testing and support nightmare.”

My face is turning beat red, and I can taste the blood in my mouth from biting my tongue…

“I get it,”  I said.  “But it’s just damn annoying.”

And sometime in 2020 (god willing) I will be on the other side of the button and deciding when I can “force update” on all of our users.

I’m sure I should feel something.  It doesn’t make me feel powerful.  It doesn’t make me feel sad. It just makes me feel “absorbed.”

I’m getting sucked into the borg of app developers.  Soon, you will too.  It could be just one more forced update away.

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6 thoughts on “Un-consensual Updates

  1. I hate update rape, and feel so dirty afterward that I have to take a shower. Too bad they can’t create a simple, nonupdateable version of apps, for simple folks, who don’t care if their apps have all the latest innovations.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha, And we used to curse at Mother Fucking Bell when they added fee “updates” and our bill was over $20! That Bakelite rotary phone may not have played your music, unless you were on hold; however it was stress free and much more rewarding to slam down the receiver.
    🦖

    Liked by 1 person

  3. They should give you an option. I’m glad I have my reticence to these mobile devices. I developed it when I was on call at a psychiatric institution and actually dreaded the full moon (no shit, it does happen). Once, at 2 AM I was rear ended by a semi on I-70. I had to call the director, explain, she bitched, I bitched back big time, and that was that. Now, I do have a cell phone, but almost nobody knows the number and I subscribe to nothing, and I usually keep it on vibrate and drive with it between my legs. 🙂

    Like

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