Lewis Black

My white emergency

I was surfing Youtube and laughing along at this Color of Change video, when I suddenly had my own white emergency.

See if you can guess when it happened.

“It’s not Karen it’s pronounced K-ear-ran.” Fuck. Summarized my struggle in one line.

And who is on the other end of the line but the one celebrity in the world who has called me, “my friend Kieran,” Lewis Black — telling this bullshit character “Kieran” his name is Karen, and he needs to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.

This after I shared my Kieran not Karen rant with Lewis. Sent in my take on the Boy named Sue.

Lewis knew goddamn well of my pain in being mistaken for a Karen.

There’s a much more obvious answer — Kevin is by far a much more popular name. And most of the Kevins I know show known “Karen” tendencies.

But instead Lewis goes with the rare and hard to pronoun Kieran — diphthong and all. Sure, sure, he didn’t get a writers credit — that went to: “Adam Mansbach” — a fucking fake name if I’ve ever seen one. Might as well be “Eve Womanside” or “Ed Vegas.”

But I’m going to go ahead and blame Lewis. The words came out of his mouth — he could have said Kevin instead. Hell, even Sarah Cooper called the character “Kieran” and left that gender-bending insult our of her mouth.

Lewis Black, left, with a fake Kieran/Karen right.

I feel a real need to defend myself from this non-biographical video.

First, that dude is not a real Kieran. Know how I can tell? He’s got pigment. Maybe some Italian or other Mediterranean-type family, but that’s definitely not something we see from people whose ancestors didn’t see the sun for more than 30 days a year for 30,000 years.

Next, people call the cops (or lawyers or judges) on me for drinking in public and making too much noise. I’ve been kicked out of the third-world club on many a Tuesday night for just such a “crime”. I’m the kickee, not the kicker.

Finally, there are so few Kierans, I can almost guarantee none of us would wear a black hoodie with a yoga symbol on the chest. Too close to a Karen move. That shit is for Kevins.

So yeah Lewis, this is a real white emergency and you created it for ME…

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